WEBVTT
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A swan?
00:01:54.251 --> 00:01:56.167
What sort of a swan?
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Leda? Who is Leda?
00:02:01.834 --> 00:02:04.334
Is she the injured woman?
00:02:06.751 --> 00:02:08.751
Laid by whom?
00:02:10.709 --> 00:02:14.584
By Jupiter? Was that the cause of death?
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A female swan?
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How do you know it was female?
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Eggs? Egg-bound?
00:02:27.459 --> 00:02:31.126
Was it bald? Perhaps it was a goose.
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Did it come from the zoo?
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How fast does a woman decompose?
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Six months. Maybe a year.
Depends on the conditions.
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Does being pregnant
make any difference?
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No!
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And the baby?
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- How far gone was she?
- Perhaps 10 weeks.
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Then, you'd never know.
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I cannot stand the idea
of her rotting away.
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What is the first thing that happens?
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The first thing that happens is the
bacteria set to work in the intestine.
00:06:06.084 --> 00:06:09.209
- What sort of bacteria?
- Bisocosis populi.
00:06:10.501 --> 00:06:13.459
There are supposed to be
130,000 Bisocosis
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in each lick of a human tongue.
00:06:15.709 --> 00:06:18.042
250,000 in a French kiss.
00:06:18.459 --> 00:06:22.667
First exchange at the very beginning
of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
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- Suppose Eve kissed Adam?
- Unlikely!
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She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
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If the
evolutionary span of life on Earth
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is represented by a year of 365 days,
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then man made his first appearance
on the evening of the 31st of December,
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just as the daylight was fading.
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It had taken some 4,000 million years
for that entrance to be made.
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A very slow,
uneven progress of life forms,
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changing and evolving in a long,
continuous procession.
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It's comparatively easy to comprehend
how one species gave way to another.
00:07:18.917 --> 00:07:23.584
But perhaps more difficult to understand
the evolutionary leap necessary
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to bridge the most sophisticated
of the apes, with man.
00:07:28.084 --> 00:07:29.751
And more difficult, still,
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to contemplate
how life could create itself,
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apparently, out of nothing.
00:07:39.584 --> 00:07:42.376
The conditions
for the origin of life on Earth
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can never be reproduced again.
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The atmosphere is now rich in oxygen,
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the necessary ingredient
for the respiratory life of all animals.
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But in the beginning
there was little or no oxygen.
00:08:02.126 --> 00:08:06.792
There was methane, ammonia,
carbon monoxide, water,
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electrical storms, ultraviolet light,
the first carbon compounds.
00:08:13.042 --> 00:08:17.792
And around volcanic springs like these,
an abundance of hydrogen.
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These conditions were advantageous
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for the formation of the first
cyanophytes or blue-green algae.
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Their Utilisation of hydrogen in water,
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using chlorophyll
in the process of photosynthesis
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liberated oxygen in abundant quantities
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to change radically
the atmosphere of the Earth.
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Their arrival marks a major step
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towards the evolution
of higher forms of life.
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How are you feeling?
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Short of a leg.
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In the land of the legless,
the one-legged woman is queen.
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There was a legless whore in Marseilles
during the war, who was very wealthy.
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She seldom left her bed,
because she couldn't.
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She'd had both her legs
amputated at the groin.
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Imagine that, gentlemen,
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no limbs to hinder entry.
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She was treated
with great affection and regard
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and had a great many lovers.
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She died young.
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Some of her lovers thought,
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she might liked to be buried
in a short coffin.
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Others thought that the empty space
should be filled with flowers.
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In the end, of course,
her family turned up
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and they had the corpse
fitted with artificial legs.
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Imagine that!
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The body, in all its delicious detail,
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fading away,
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leaving a skeleton with iron legs.
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Especially, since the legs had been made
for a man called Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.
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You've been very thorough
in your research.
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I made it up.
00:10:10.126 --> 00:10:14.084
I have now to find a Felipe Arc-en-Ciel
to stop my crying,
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to discover what it is to have
your legs borrowed by a dead woman.
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- How is your daughter?
- Beta is fine.
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She says, my leg has walked off
with a Dutchman.
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- Morning, Venus! How are the zebras?
- Black and white.
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Good morning, Milo, what are you doing?
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Just come to see if you're
looking after the animals properly.
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You can come and take care of me.
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- Where could I do that?
- Back of the panda cages.
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We might give them
a little encouragement.
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There's no bed there.
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- Since when have you needed a bed, Milo?
- Since my back ached, just now!
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I'll give you...
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..£5
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and two pounds of zebra steak.
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Do the owls go hungry for your pleasure?
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Not yours.
00:12:11.459 --> 00:12:15.292
Owls aren't that fussy.
They'll eat anything, even a lizard.
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Would you rather have a lizard
or a zebra afterbirth?
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Tell me, Milo!
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Do you think a zebra
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is a white animal with black stripes
or a black animal with white stripes?
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Carry my shoes for me.
00:12:38.251 --> 00:12:40.792
There used to be a bed in the back
of the vulture cages.
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Ah! You were younger then.
Now you have less to bargain with.
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- Now I have experience.
- With animals?
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All right, then!
00:12:56.167 --> 00:13:00.042
I'll give you four pounds of cow's liver
and a drink.
00:13:01.251 --> 00:13:03.352
Or we might have to see about
your licence to practise.
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You only have to have a licence
to start a zoo, not to stock it.
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You could start a zoo, Hoyten.
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Though you'd have to pay me to visit it.
00:13:12.584 --> 00:13:14.751
You can keep your free meat.
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I'll take £10 for half an hour
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and the tail feathers
of an American bald eagle.
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- You're making a hat?
- No.
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I'm writing a dirty story.
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We don't have an American bald eagle.
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Oh, I was forgetting,
it's a black and white bird.
00:13:33.126 --> 00:13:35.709
Then I'll settle for an introduction
to Oliver and Oswald.
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What do you want with them?
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I could help.
Their wives have died and I need a bath.
00:13:42.459 --> 00:13:45.417
You can have a bath,
provided I can watch.
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Surprise, surprise!
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That's what all we animals
are here for, isn't it?
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In a spoonful of pond water,
00:14:31.167 --> 00:14:35.042
there may be as many as
10,000 minute organisms.
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In the seas there are uncountable
numbers of creatures.
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Myriads of simply structured organisms,
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whose ancestors began to appear some,
2,000 million years ago
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from among the primitive bacteria
and the first algae.
00:14:59.251 --> 00:15:01.876
Oliver, I'm sorry about your bad news.
00:15:06.292 --> 00:15:07.917
Can the zoo help?
00:15:13.292 --> 00:15:17.084
- What are you watching?
- The beginnings of life.
00:15:17.584 --> 00:15:20.209
- It's cathartic.
- What is?
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Watching life begin.
00:15:22.584 --> 00:15:23.959
- Yes?
- Yes!
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'Cause I know how it ends.
00:15:26.209 --> 00:15:29.209
- How does it end?
- With a swan.
00:15:29.584 --> 00:15:31.084
- Oh, yes.
- And a white car,
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a Ford Mercury,
registration number, NID26BW,
00:15:35.417 --> 00:15:37.209
driven by a woman with flaming red hair,
00:15:37.251 --> 00:15:40.417
surrounded by white feathers,
called Alba Bewick.
00:15:41.417 --> 00:15:44.751
Then I'm sorry that
you'll find this film inaccurate.
00:15:44.792 --> 00:15:47.792
Oh, don't ruin it for me, Fallast.
00:15:47.876 --> 00:15:52.292
I'm going to take it in stages.
Needs absorbing.
00:15:53.251 --> 00:15:54.560
I'm sure I must have got it wrong before
00:15:54.584 --> 00:15:56.417
and I'm on the lookout for clues.
00:15:56.501 --> 00:15:58.501
What sort of clues?
00:15:58.584 --> 00:16:02.251
Gonna try and separate the true clues
and the red herrings.
00:16:04.834 --> 00:16:08.584
I'm told, that all eight parts
of the second copy of this film
00:16:08.626 --> 00:16:09.917
are out on loan as well.
00:16:10.959 --> 00:16:14.834
Perhaps someone else
is also looking for red herrings.
00:16:14.917 --> 00:16:17.584
Myriads of simply-structured organisms,
00:16:17.626 --> 00:16:22.709
whose ancestors began to appear some,
2,000 million years ago
00:16:22.751 --> 00:16:26.376
from among the primitive bacteria
and the first algae.
00:16:28.084 --> 00:16:31.084
Protozoa, primitive jellyfish,
00:16:31.126 --> 00:16:34.917
sponges, coral polyps, colonisers.
00:16:36.167 --> 00:16:40.959
Innumerable individuals
making the first oceans a rich soup,
00:16:41.042 --> 00:16:45.834
ripe for the further and more
sophisticated development of life forms.
00:16:48.126 --> 00:16:50.917
Oliver, entrez!
00:16:53.042 --> 00:16:57.751
- Where is Oswald?
- Uh, he's just working.
00:16:59.084 --> 00:17:02.334
Work consoles him, I think.
00:17:06.417 --> 00:17:08.751
How did you first know my wife?
00:17:09.251 --> 00:17:12.542
I met her at the zoo with my daughter,
00:17:12.584 --> 00:17:16.084
when I took to Beta to the insect house
to watch butterflies.
00:17:17.084 --> 00:17:20.292
Your wife said they should be let free.
00:17:21.501 --> 00:17:24.042
She didn't approve of zoos, did she?
00:17:27.084 --> 00:17:29.876
Why is your
daughter called Beta?
00:17:29.917 --> 00:17:34.917
Alpha, Beta, Gamma.
I wanted 26 children.
00:17:35.001 --> 00:17:38.459
Beta wasn't the first.
The first one died.
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I had an infection, mercury poisoning.
00:17:43.084 --> 00:17:46.001
Where I come from,
you take mercury to procure an abortion.
00:17:46.084 --> 00:17:49.126
There aren't 26 letters in the Greek
alphabet, there's only 23.
00:17:49.626 --> 00:17:53.792
- What's Oswald Deuce doing here?
- Watching an apple fade away.
00:17:54.459 --> 00:17:56.251
How original!
00:17:56.959 --> 00:17:59.126
- "A" is for...
- Angelfish.
00:17:59.209 --> 00:18:01.209
- "B" is for...
- Butterfly.
00:18:08.251 --> 00:18:10.584
Do you think that's wise?
00:18:11.417 --> 00:18:13.542
There are too many of them.
00:18:14.042 --> 00:18:16.126
Will they survive the cold?
00:18:17.251 --> 00:18:19.251
This zoo is too crowded.
00:18:22.334 --> 00:18:24.667
Bit too many staff, for a start.
00:18:25.501 --> 00:18:28.792
Haven't you got anything
better to do than watch me?
00:18:36.501 --> 00:18:39.126
Venus De Milo's been asking after you.
00:18:41.084 --> 00:18:44.376
I cannot stand the idea
of her body rotting away
00:18:45.209 --> 00:18:46.626
for nothing.
00:18:47.501 --> 00:18:49.542
Or was it for some reason?
00:18:58.084 --> 00:18:59.167
Where's this?
00:19:00.626 --> 00:19:04.459
It's where I was born.
It's called L'Escargot.
00:19:07.126 --> 00:19:09.917
Tell me what happened,
in detail.
00:19:10.584 --> 00:19:12.542
You know what happened.
00:19:14.251 --> 00:19:16.011
Paula and Griselda
were shopping for china...
00:19:16.084 --> 00:19:20.917
- What was Griselda wearing?
- A green hat, black shoes.
00:19:20.959 --> 00:19:23.917
- We left there about 3:00...
- Was she wearing a scarf?
00:19:23.959 --> 00:19:27.251
Yes. We turned out
of the car park and then...
00:19:27.292 --> 00:19:29.292
Why was she buying china?
00:19:29.917 --> 00:19:34.751
She said she needed china.
She bought 6 soup-bowls...
00:19:34.792 --> 00:19:36.917
What were they like?
00:19:36.959 --> 00:19:42.042
They were white with blue markings
and an egg-timer and a milk-jug.
00:19:42.084 --> 00:19:45.959
An egg-timer? What the hell
did she want with an egg-timer?
00:19:46.042 --> 00:19:47.584
I imagine, Oswald, to time eggs.
00:19:47.667 --> 00:19:52.167
- Well, why would she want to time eggs?
- Oswald, think what you're saying.
00:19:53.084 --> 00:19:54.959
What else did she buy?
00:19:55.876 --> 00:19:58.501
Paula wanted to go to the fishmonger.
00:19:59.084 --> 00:20:01.459
- I bought a lobster.
- Why did you buy a lobster for?
00:20:01.542 --> 00:20:06.001
- Oswald, this is getting silly.
- Did my wife buy anything?
00:20:06.751 --> 00:20:09.167
Oh, yes, prawns.
00:20:09.251 --> 00:20:10.917
- Prawns?
- Yes!
00:20:12.251 --> 00:20:15.417
Thank you! That will do for now.
00:20:15.459 --> 00:20:17.584
But all this is a long way back
in the story.
00:20:17.667 --> 00:20:19.417
Oh, well. Thank you, for telling me.
00:20:19.459 --> 00:20:21.751
Oswald, where are you going?
00:20:22.459 --> 00:20:25.167
The variety of shape, form and structure
00:20:25.251 --> 00:20:28.959
in the development of animals
at this time is extraordinary.
00:20:29.834 --> 00:20:33.542
Side-scuttling crabs,
slow-moving snails,
00:20:33.584 --> 00:20:37.834
animals that look like stones,
that take on the colour of sand,
00:20:37.917 --> 00:20:41.126
animals that resemble plants,
that scavenge,
00:20:41.209 --> 00:20:44.126
that develop poisons
and stinging apparatus,
00:20:44.209 --> 00:20:47.084
that live on detritus and each other,
00:20:47.126 --> 00:20:51.876
creating systems of defence and attack,
whose ingenuity is limitless.
00:20:56.209 --> 00:20:58.501
Anything in the papers, then?
00:20:59.209 --> 00:21:02.126
- Why don't you sit down, Plate?
- Thanks very much, Oliver.
00:21:02.209 --> 00:21:03.792
I heard you was in here.
00:21:03.876 --> 00:21:07.751
- There's a funny smell in here.
- It's me, I've stopped washing.
00:21:08.917 --> 00:21:10.227
Now, I'm sorry,
to hear about your wife.
00:21:10.251 --> 00:21:11.876
So am I.
00:21:13.792 --> 00:21:16.709
Venus De Milo has been asking after you.
00:21:19.042 --> 00:21:21.376
Everyone's pimp and messenger,
eh, Plate?
00:21:21.417 --> 00:21:22.751
Suit yourself.
00:22:41.334 --> 00:22:43.584
Milo,
have you ever done it with animals?
00:22:43.876 --> 00:22:45.876
If that's what you want,
if it would help,
00:22:45.917 --> 00:22:47.626
I could invent for you.
00:22:47.709 --> 00:22:50.042
It'll cost £5 a story.
00:22:50.084 --> 00:22:55.626
That's what Anaïs Nin charged in 1927,
only she did it professionally.
00:22:55.709 --> 00:22:58.584
I haven't started professionally, yet.
00:22:58.626 --> 00:23:02.542
£5 or an introduction to a publisher.
00:23:03.167 --> 00:23:07.834
- Or a credit note to a large bookshop...
- That's all right! All right, go on!
00:23:09.751 --> 00:23:12.876
Once upon a time,
there were three bears...
00:23:12.917 --> 00:23:14.251
No nursery stories.
00:23:14.334 --> 00:23:16.792
No? All right.
00:23:18.584 --> 00:23:24.251
A circus owner in Anchorage
kept a polar bear called Fairbanks
00:23:24.292 --> 00:23:26.251
to entertain Eskimo wives...
00:23:26.292 --> 00:23:29.126
Unlikely!
And how come you know about Alaska?
00:23:29.209 --> 00:23:31.334
I was attentive in geography.
00:23:31.417 --> 00:23:35.667
The bear had a narrow snout,
00:23:35.751 --> 00:23:40.501
a sweet nature,
and a rough and probing tongue.
00:23:40.584 --> 00:23:42.042
It also liked honey...
00:23:42.084 --> 00:23:44.084
It's beginning to sound
like a bedtime story.
00:23:44.126 --> 00:23:46.917
- Isn't that just what you wanted?
- And there are no bees in Alaska.
00:23:47.001 --> 00:23:49.834
There are as many bees
in Alaska as snails.
00:23:50.876 --> 00:23:52.417
Why do you like snails?
00:23:52.459 --> 00:23:54.084
They're a nice
primitive form of life.
00:23:54.126 --> 00:23:56.126
They helped the world decay
00:23:56.209 --> 00:23:59.126
and they're hermaphrodite
and can satisfy their own sexual needs.
00:23:59.209 --> 00:24:01.959
- I don't believe it.
- Neither do I.
00:24:02.042 --> 00:24:06.084
The circus owner by leasing out
the bear with a jar of honey
00:24:06.167 --> 00:24:08.459
had two profitable sources of income.
00:24:08.542 --> 00:24:11.584
God, Milo! This is another
whingeing story about money.
00:24:11.626 --> 00:24:14.917
- And I disapprove of circuses.
- I disapprove of zoos.
00:24:15.001 --> 00:24:16.792
Just shut up and get out.
00:24:16.876 --> 00:24:18.626
But I haven't got to the erotic bit yet.
00:24:18.709 --> 00:24:19.917
Get out!
00:24:20.751 --> 00:24:22.001
Get out!
00:24:24.834 --> 00:24:25.876
Get out!
00:24:25.917 --> 00:24:27.584
Oh, mind your snail!
00:24:27.667 --> 00:24:29.084
Out!
00:24:29.542 --> 00:24:31.084
Get out! Go on!
00:24:35.542 --> 00:24:36.709
Out!
00:24:39.126 --> 00:24:44.917
♪ If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
00:24:46.126 --> 00:24:50.792
♪ If you go down to the woods today
Be sure of...
00:24:51.084 --> 00:24:54.001
Be careful with those,
you stupid idiot!
00:24:54.084 --> 00:24:57.417
It's best mohair.
I spent a lot of time on this suit.
00:24:58.584 --> 00:25:04.126
♪ If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
00:25:04.792 --> 00:25:11.126
♪ If you go down to the woods today
Be sure of a big surprise
00:25:11.959 --> 00:25:15.126
What sort of stories does
your brother Oswald like?
00:25:15.209 --> 00:25:17.751
Why don't you go and ask him?
00:25:19.042 --> 00:25:23.376
♪ At six o'clock
their mummies and daddies
00:25:24.042 --> 00:25:27.001
♪ Will take them home to bed
00:25:27.917 --> 00:25:30.167
♪ Because they're tired
00:25:31.417 --> 00:25:35.001
♪ Little teddy bears ♪
00:25:47.167 --> 00:25:50.584
And leave those little snails alone,
you dirty old man.
00:26:06.584 --> 00:26:09.917
Oh, Lord! It's Oswald Deuce again!
00:26:10.001 --> 00:26:11.167
What's he up to?
00:26:11.501 --> 00:26:14.626
What's the connection
between apples and prawns?
00:26:15.459 --> 00:26:18.084
What do gone off prawns remind you of?
00:26:18.751 --> 00:26:22.917
And what's the betting all of Oswald's
wives smells like that there?
00:26:23.751 --> 00:26:27.167
Maybe he enjoyed the smell so much,
he's trying to recapture it.
00:26:27.251 --> 00:26:28.667
You're disgusting!
00:26:28.751 --> 00:26:31.917
You are too prim for words.
Make him eat a prawn!
00:26:37.751 --> 00:26:38.751
Oswald won't mind.
00:26:40.959 --> 00:26:43.042
Take that off. Put this on.
00:26:53.709 --> 00:26:55.584
It belongs to my wife.
00:27:01.001 --> 00:27:02.459
And this hat.
00:27:17.751 --> 00:27:19.959
Open the coat down the front.
00:27:24.917 --> 00:27:26.417
Fold your arms.
00:27:30.334 --> 00:27:31.959
All right, begin.
00:27:33.417 --> 00:27:37.251
In Botswana,
they kept a bull in a cave...
00:27:37.334 --> 00:27:38.834
I've heard it.
00:27:39.376 --> 00:27:41.459
You have? Hmm.
00:27:43.042 --> 00:27:44.167
Well...
00:27:44.917 --> 00:27:49.001
In the 1870s,
in the Regent's Park Zoo in London
00:27:50.584 --> 00:27:55.751
there was an enclosure
reserved for certain rare animals
00:27:55.792 --> 00:28:01.459
that came to be called,
"The Obscene Animals Enclosure."
00:28:04.584 --> 00:28:08.584
One of the animals,
in this special enclosure,
00:28:08.626 --> 00:28:13.084
was a toad.
At least it had the body of a toad.
00:28:13.334 --> 00:28:15.626
It was all your bloody fault!
00:28:15.709 --> 00:28:18.084
- What was?
- The death of my wife!
00:28:18.167 --> 00:28:19.459
I see.
00:28:19.542 --> 00:28:25.084
I'm expected to have a pilot's licence?
How could I anticipate swans?
00:28:25.751 --> 00:28:29.626
You were wearing white feathers
and you were driving a Ford Mercury.
00:28:29.709 --> 00:28:32.917
- So?
- You were asking for trouble.
00:28:33.001 --> 00:28:34.084
Why?
00:28:34.834 --> 00:28:38.001
You said you took mercury
to procure an abortion.
00:28:38.751 --> 00:28:40.584
You were pregnant.
00:28:40.667 --> 00:28:43.417
How the hell did you know
I was pregnant?
00:28:43.751 --> 00:28:46.584
Pregnant women
are notoriously unreliable.
00:28:48.751 --> 00:28:52.251
Especially, when they're trying
to procure an abortion.
00:28:52.917 --> 00:28:56.209
It was all your fault, you bitch!
00:28:56.251 --> 00:28:57.459
Oliver!
00:29:08.251 --> 00:29:10.667
Was my story worth £10?
00:29:10.751 --> 00:29:14.417
I normally get 25 for 4,000 words.
00:29:14.501 --> 00:29:17.792
That's one-eighth of what Pauline Réage
got for The Story of O.
00:29:20.251 --> 00:29:22.251
- Did I tell it well?
- Yes!
00:29:23.417 --> 00:29:26.292
Write it down,
I'll see it gets published.
00:29:26.376 --> 00:29:28.584
That's what your brother said.
00:29:28.667 --> 00:29:29.834
Is it?
00:29:32.709 --> 00:29:36.167
Isn't it time you and he
became a little more friendly?
00:29:37.251 --> 00:29:38.667
How is he?
00:29:40.709 --> 00:29:42.376
He's miserable
00:29:44.042 --> 00:29:45.626
like you.
00:29:49.542 --> 00:29:52.042
Oliver says,
that rot starts in the stomach.
00:29:52.084 --> 00:29:53.417
With an apple?
00:29:53.459 --> 00:29:57.417
In the intestines,
in the liver, pancreas,
00:29:57.459 --> 00:30:00.876
the spleen, near the womb.
00:30:02.126 --> 00:30:06.334
I'm going to see Oliver.
Do you want me to give him a message?
00:30:07.459 --> 00:30:10.001
No, I've got nothing to say.
00:30:10.334 --> 00:30:14.501
Yes, tell him to look after himself.
00:30:53.084 --> 00:30:54.292
Oliver!
00:30:55.542 --> 00:30:57.834
Oliver, what the hell are you doing?
00:30:57.917 --> 00:30:59.709
I'm having breakfast.
00:31:21.167 --> 00:31:23.126
Stop it, you bloody idiot!
00:31:26.126 --> 00:31:29.126
- You pathetic idiot!
- It's only ice.
00:31:29.209 --> 00:31:31.126
Ice floats
and you don't put ice in wine.
00:31:31.209 --> 00:31:34.292
Since when has etiquette
been your strong point?
00:31:34.917 --> 00:31:37.751
Oh, all right.
Phone for an ambulance, I've had enough.
00:31:37.834 --> 00:31:39.167
Thank you.
00:31:39.751 --> 00:31:41.917
- Shall I call for Oswald?
- No!
00:31:42.959 --> 00:31:44.959
All right, yes.
00:31:45.917 --> 00:31:50.292
Tell him, I'm bleeding. He'll come.
00:31:51.584 --> 00:31:53.584
He always used to come
when I was bleeding.
00:31:57.417 --> 00:31:58.751
What's Oliver looking for?
00:31:58.834 --> 00:32:02.417
I don't know.
I mean, look at all this stuff.
00:32:05.417 --> 00:32:08.209
Maybe he's looking for an answer
to his wife's death.
00:32:08.251 --> 00:32:11.042
He will not find it here.
This is just a straightforward account.
00:32:12.209 --> 00:32:13.251
The squid
00:32:13.292 --> 00:32:16.084
is among the most intelligent
of the invertebrates.
00:32:16.167 --> 00:32:18.876
Darwin was a good storyteller.
00:32:19.667 --> 00:32:22.209
Both brothers have taken out a copy.
00:32:22.959 --> 00:32:25.251
Have I got to sit through them all?
00:32:25.334 --> 00:32:28.376
There are eight parts.
This is only the third.
00:32:29.292 --> 00:32:32.167
God, it's all such a dreary fiction.
00:32:35.334 --> 00:32:38.251
You were right.
Though I didn't deserve this, okay?
00:32:38.292 --> 00:32:39.626
How was he right?
00:32:39.876 --> 00:32:41.417
I was pregnant.
00:32:42.251 --> 00:32:46.917
I not only lost a leg in that crash,
I lost a child.
00:32:47.292 --> 00:32:50.209
Though I wasn't,
by any means, trying to.
00:32:50.251 --> 00:32:53.084
Gamma is not
a very good name for a child.
00:32:53.626 --> 00:32:56.667
I have yet to work out my greater loss.
00:32:59.251 --> 00:33:02.959
But I know that I want another leg
and another child.
00:33:05.251 --> 00:33:09.584
As you can see,
it was inferior china.
00:33:09.667 --> 00:33:12.084
What do you want
to keep those for?
00:33:12.334 --> 00:33:14.667
Throw them away, you stupid boy!
00:33:25.751 --> 00:33:28.667
I'd like to see this place.
00:33:32.001 --> 00:33:34.001
Then go and see it.
00:33:35.542 --> 00:33:38.251
And come back and tell me,
how it's getting on.
00:33:38.292 --> 00:33:39.876
The key is in my bag.
00:33:40.667 --> 00:33:42.542
You could go together.
00:33:43.917 --> 00:33:45.542
So who found you?
00:33:46.126 --> 00:33:48.251
- De Milo.
- Who is she?
00:33:48.334 --> 00:33:51.292
Actually, her trade name is Venus,
her clients call her De Milo.
00:33:51.792 --> 00:33:53.376
The seamstress.
00:33:54.292 --> 00:33:56.084
She's a beautiful stitcher.
00:33:56.751 --> 00:33:57.935
When she's not watching the zebras,
00:33:57.959 --> 00:34:00.042
she meets her clients
at the panda house.
00:34:00.084 --> 00:34:02.501
Oh! And what's her speciality?
00:34:03.584 --> 00:34:04.834
Bamboo.
00:34:17.417 --> 00:34:20.251
- "J" is for...
- Jaguar.
00:34:20.334 --> 00:34:23.751
- "K" is for...
- Kangaroo.
00:34:23.792 --> 00:34:25.917
- "L" is for...
- Lion.
00:34:26.001 --> 00:34:28.334
- "M" is for...
- Monkey.
00:34:36.459 --> 00:34:38.417
Mon dieu, Oswald! What's this?
00:34:38.501 --> 00:34:40.626
Prawns on their way back.
00:34:40.709 --> 00:34:43.959
- Way back?
- To where they came from.
00:34:44.042 --> 00:34:47.126
Ooze, slime, murk...
00:34:54.542 --> 00:34:55.584
Ooh, I'm still alive.
00:34:55.667 --> 00:34:57.626
Someone's being tampering
with my experiment.
00:34:57.709 --> 00:35:00.167
Or perhaps they were hungry.
00:35:00.251 --> 00:35:02.417
Who the hell is he?
00:35:02.501 --> 00:35:05.209
He's the surgeon who removed my leg.
00:35:05.917 --> 00:35:09.042
He wants to be a painter,
a Dutch painter.
00:35:09.084 --> 00:35:12.167
In fact, the Dutch painter Vermeer,
no less!
00:35:12.251 --> 00:35:14.042
Vermeer
only painted 26 paintings
00:35:14.084 --> 00:35:15.417
and three of those are dubious.
00:35:15.459 --> 00:35:16.501
That's enough.
00:35:16.584 --> 00:35:20.376
Obviously not!
Van Meegeren tried to paint some more.
00:35:20.959 --> 00:35:23.084
- That's his name!
- Whose name?
00:35:23.126 --> 00:35:25.042
- The surgeon's.
- Pardon?
00:35:25.084 --> 00:35:26.834
Van Meegeren.
00:35:26.917 --> 00:35:30.376
He's the cousin of the faker
who painted fake Vermeers.
00:35:31.084 --> 00:35:32.959
What's his speciality?
00:35:33.584 --> 00:35:35.251
Vermeer women.
00:35:36.376 --> 00:35:40.584
Van Meegeren says, I look like
the lady standing at a virginal.
00:35:41.709 --> 00:35:44.709
I suspect it's because
you never see her legs.
00:35:45.667 --> 00:35:47.709
She's not standing really.
00:35:48.167 --> 00:35:50.917
She's strapped and stitched
to her music stool.
00:35:51.959 --> 00:35:54.751
Van Meegeren has a great reputation
for stitching.
00:35:54.834 --> 00:35:56.167
Stitching?
00:35:56.751 --> 00:36:00.584
Suturing. Sewing up wounds. Operations.
00:36:02.334 --> 00:36:04.667
He's made a beautiful job on me.
00:36:05.584 --> 00:36:07.501
- Look.
- No, I can't.
00:36:07.584 --> 00:36:09.334
- Why not?
- Because...
00:36:11.917 --> 00:36:13.709
You see what I mean?
00:36:14.542 --> 00:36:15.959
I can see more than that.
00:36:16.042 --> 00:36:18.167
Oh! That, well...
00:36:19.709 --> 00:36:22.334
That's pretty redundant now, isn't it?
00:36:23.417 --> 00:36:25.626
I mean, except to pee through.
00:36:28.042 --> 00:36:29.167
I want you to make sure
00:36:29.251 --> 00:36:32.667
those two brothers don't
get too close to Alba Bewick.
00:36:33.334 --> 00:36:34.959
How do I do that?
00:36:35.792 --> 00:36:37.292
Distract them.
00:36:38.209 --> 00:36:39.876
As only you know how.
00:36:43.292 --> 00:36:45.584
What's in it for me?
00:36:45.626 --> 00:36:47.126
My patients...
00:36:48.167 --> 00:36:50.251
Our patients that'd be.
00:36:50.334 --> 00:36:54.334
And a continuing place
in my operating theatre,
00:36:55.001 --> 00:36:56.667
and in my bed.
00:37:07.834 --> 00:37:09.042
Oliver!
00:37:09.084 --> 00:37:13.001
I was thinking, at the crash,
which way was the wind blowing?
00:37:14.209 --> 00:37:15.893
Was it blowing off the buildings
at the north side,
00:37:15.917 --> 00:37:17.584
or the buildings on the south side?
00:37:17.667 --> 00:37:19.917
Stop, Oliver, enough.
00:37:19.959 --> 00:37:23.751
You've got to stop!
What difference does it make?
00:37:23.792 --> 00:37:26.959
You exhaust me with your obsessions.
Both of you!
00:37:27.042 --> 00:37:28.751
You're our only witness.
00:37:28.792 --> 00:37:31.001
What sort of witness was I?
00:37:31.084 --> 00:37:35.292
In searing pain?
A face full of feathers? An egg yolk?
00:37:35.376 --> 00:37:40.417
My leg smashed to pulp, bleeding.
And you ask me for wind directions.
00:37:42.167 --> 00:37:43.376
Sorry.
00:37:45.459 --> 00:37:47.876
- Where's Beta?
- She's with Oswald.
00:37:48.876 --> 00:37:52.251
Look, it was an accident.
00:37:52.292 --> 00:37:54.876
5,000 accidents happen every day.
00:37:54.917 --> 00:37:57.542
- This one's...
- Bizarre, tragic, farcical!
00:37:57.584 --> 00:38:00.251
- This one is different...
- They're acts of God!
00:38:00.334 --> 00:38:04.417
Fit only to amaze the survivors
and irritate the insurance company.
00:38:04.459 --> 00:38:06.584
This one is different, for God's sake!
00:38:06.626 --> 00:38:07.709
Is it?
00:38:07.751 --> 00:38:11.626
The wives of two zoologists die in a car
driven by a woman called Bewick,
00:38:11.709 --> 00:38:14.167
who's attacked by a swan on Swan's Way!
00:38:14.251 --> 00:38:18.626
You are already beginning to build
yourself a case for the supernatural.
00:38:18.709 --> 00:38:21.376
But another set of details,
from the same crash,
00:38:21.417 --> 00:38:24.376
could produce something
completely different!
00:38:36.792 --> 00:38:38.501
And what about me?
00:38:39.501 --> 00:38:42.001
Don't I deserve some consideration?
00:38:44.209 --> 00:38:48.584
With a daughter, who can't sit still,
and why should she?
00:38:50.001 --> 00:38:52.209
Take her out for me, will you?
00:38:52.917 --> 00:38:56.876
Van Meegeren is going to fit me
with an artificial leg tomorrow.
00:38:58.709 --> 00:38:59.917
Kiss me.
00:39:00.917 --> 00:39:04.667
I haven't been kissed since your wife
kissed me a month ago.
00:39:05.584 --> 00:39:07.417
Kiss me on the cheek.
00:39:07.876 --> 00:39:10.126
Here, where she did.
00:39:26.126 --> 00:39:27.751
And the ostrich eats anything at all.
00:39:28.167 --> 00:39:30.459
And buries its head in the sand
when it's afraid.
00:39:30.959 --> 00:39:35.084
- And the elephant lives to be 100.
- And never forgets a face.
00:39:35.584 --> 00:39:39.126
So, you see between us,
we know everything.
00:39:39.209 --> 00:39:40.751
You don't know everything.
00:39:41.459 --> 00:39:42.917
Between us, we do.
00:39:43.209 --> 00:39:44.792
All right, then.
00:39:46.084 --> 00:39:48.334
You see that woman over there?
00:39:49.042 --> 00:39:51.667
What colour knickers is she wearing?
00:39:51.751 --> 00:39:54.001
- Red ones, to match her hat.
- No, she isn't.
00:39:54.084 --> 00:39:56.084
- How do you know?
- I know.
00:39:58.376 --> 00:40:00.167
Well, Oliver,
00:40:00.251 --> 00:40:02.959
you could always go and ask
and find out.
00:40:04.084 --> 00:40:05.584
Go on, ask her.
00:40:18.459 --> 00:40:20.501
Excuse me, madam,
I'm sorry to bother you.
00:40:20.584 --> 00:40:22.792
I think we may just have met before.
00:40:22.876 --> 00:40:26.042
May I trouble you in the interest
of that child's education?
00:40:26.084 --> 00:40:27.876
May I ask you a few questions?
00:40:27.917 --> 00:40:30.584
- Like?
- Like? Uh...
00:40:31.584 --> 00:40:33.667
Are these ostrich feathers?
00:40:34.167 --> 00:40:38.751
- Who are you exactly? Do I know you?
- I'm an animal behaviourist, madam.
00:40:39.667 --> 00:40:42.959
Then your question doesn't sound
very well informed.
00:40:43.542 --> 00:40:47.084
- What animals are you a behaviourist of?
- All animals. Madam...
00:40:47.167 --> 00:40:49.584
Can I ask you a personal question?
00:40:50.792 --> 00:40:54.584
Which do you prefer...
What colour are your knickers?
00:40:54.626 --> 00:40:56.542
- Black and white striped.
- Thank you!
00:40:56.584 --> 00:40:58.209
It's a pleasure.
00:41:05.126 --> 00:41:10.626
- You see, black and white stripes.
- You didn't know. I knew all the time.
00:41:10.709 --> 00:41:13.251
- You did?
- Yes, I saw them yesterday.
00:41:13.876 --> 00:41:17.167
Well, why did you make me
go through all that, then?
00:41:20.251 --> 00:41:21.584
Excuse me.
00:41:22.167 --> 00:41:24.501
Just in case you don't believe me,
I can show you.
00:41:24.584 --> 00:41:27.459
Ah! No, thank you very much!
We believe you.
00:41:27.542 --> 00:41:31.459
- I insist!
- It's really quite all right. Thank you!
00:41:34.417 --> 00:41:37.459
If you are both zoologists as you claim,
00:41:37.542 --> 00:41:39.917
you pride yourself on your powers
of observation.
00:41:39.959 --> 00:41:42.501
You must continue these experiments.
00:41:43.084 --> 00:41:47.084
If you don't look at the evidence,
you're cheating the child.
00:41:47.126 --> 00:41:51.501
Come with me or I swear
I'll kick this table over.
00:41:52.792 --> 00:41:54.209
Go on, then.
00:41:56.751 --> 00:41:57.959
God!
00:41:58.042 --> 00:42:00.227
And now I'll knock over this one,
if you don't go with me at once.
00:42:00.251 --> 00:42:02.167
All right! Where to?
00:42:03.167 --> 00:42:04.709
Just follow me.
00:42:08.167 --> 00:42:09.584
Go on, then.
00:42:10.417 --> 00:42:12.042
Thanks very much.
00:42:18.167 --> 00:42:21.709
All right, smart zoologist.
Now see for yourself.
00:42:26.417 --> 00:42:27.584
Go on.
00:42:33.292 --> 00:42:35.584
That will cost you £40.
00:42:35.667 --> 00:42:39.126
And there's another thing,
Van Meegeren and I believe
00:42:39.209 --> 00:42:41.251
it's better for you
and your precious brother
00:42:41.292 --> 00:42:45.084
not to see Alba Bewick,
before it's too late.
00:42:45.126 --> 00:42:46.251
Too late?
00:42:46.334 --> 00:42:49.417
If you both feel so lonely,
you can't help yourself,
00:42:49.459 --> 00:42:51.292
come and see me.
00:42:51.376 --> 00:42:54.792
Together, if you must.
And I don't tell dirty stories.
00:43:18.584 --> 00:43:22.417
Don't press too hard, my back aches.
00:43:22.501 --> 00:43:26.542
- Where does it ache?
- Across the hips and along the spine.
00:43:26.584 --> 00:43:31.209
Don't worry. It's a natural condition.
Let's have you in a sitting position.
00:43:33.417 --> 00:43:36.834
- Tell me, what happened to my leg?
- What do you mean?
00:43:36.917 --> 00:43:40.417
- Where is it now? Have you sold it?
- It was incinerated.
00:43:40.459 --> 00:43:42.584
- Where?
- Don't concern yourself with it.
00:43:42.667 --> 00:43:45.751
- Where?
- In the hospital incinerator.
00:43:45.834 --> 00:43:48.709
What is your connection with the zoo?
00:43:48.751 --> 00:43:50.709
I am veterinarian consultant.
Why do you ask?
00:43:50.751 --> 00:43:55.001
- Do you perform amputations on animals?
- If they are necessary.
00:43:56.042 --> 00:43:58.917
Do you fit animals
with artificial limbs?
00:43:58.959 --> 00:44:01.501
Where are these questions leading, Alba?
00:44:01.584 --> 00:44:05.084
Is animal surgery
so different from human surgery?
00:44:06.542 --> 00:44:08.667
There are many similarities.
00:44:21.042 --> 00:44:23.584
- What's this for?
- It's for a surprise.
00:44:23.626 --> 00:44:25.251
What sort of a surprise?
00:44:25.334 --> 00:44:27.751
Don't be alarmed.
I'm sure you'll like it.
00:44:27.834 --> 00:44:30.959
What sort of surprise
will it be if we tell you?
00:44:31.042 --> 00:44:37.042
- You take too many liberties.
- I do. They're all in your interest.
00:44:42.834 --> 00:44:45.917
- Is that a real angelfish?
- Yes.
00:44:45.959 --> 00:44:47.417
Can it fly?
00:44:47.459 --> 00:44:49.417
Well, if it could,
it still couldn't escape.
00:44:49.501 --> 00:44:50.959
It's a caged fish.
00:44:51.042 --> 00:44:53.917
- Can it swim away?
- Where would it swim to?
00:44:54.001 --> 00:44:56.626
The Sargasso sea.
That's where all fish go.
00:44:56.709 --> 00:44:57.751
Is it?
00:44:57.792 --> 00:45:01.126
Yes, that's where
my mother's leg has gone.
00:45:01.209 --> 00:45:03.917
- How come?
- It was taken by a shark.
00:45:03.959 --> 00:45:06.501
Called Van Meegeren, perhaps.
00:45:06.584 --> 00:45:10.459
- Who's he?
- Oh, just a keeper of legs.
00:45:11.959 --> 00:45:14.251
Do you keep
lots of black and white fish?
00:45:14.334 --> 00:45:16.667
- Yes.
- Zebra-fish?
00:45:16.751 --> 00:45:18.626
We also have parrot-fish,
00:45:18.709 --> 00:45:21.792
elephant-fish,
rat-fish and tiger-sharks.
00:45:21.876 --> 00:45:25.751
You see, fish anticipated
everything that was to come.
00:45:25.792 --> 00:45:29.084
I don't know why evolution bothered
to go on. Why go further?
00:45:29.126 --> 00:45:31.417
There are no swan-fish.
00:45:38.251 --> 00:45:41.626
Oliver? Oswald?
00:45:41.709 --> 00:45:43.751
What are you doing here so late?
00:45:43.834 --> 00:45:45.084
Reptiles.
00:45:46.084 --> 00:45:47.164
I want to tell you about...
00:46:08.917 --> 00:46:10.376
Sit here.
00:46:10.417 --> 00:46:14.126
Reptiles differed from
their immediate amphibious ancestors
00:46:14.209 --> 00:46:17.667
by having a skin capable
of retaining body moisture.
00:46:18.709 --> 00:46:20.393
Which meant that animals
for the first time...
00:46:20.417 --> 00:46:23.626
Isn't it a bit late
to be watching reptiles?
00:46:23.709 --> 00:46:26.209
400 million years too late.
00:46:28.251 --> 00:46:31.667
- What's all this watching for?
- I'm trying to work it out.
00:46:32.251 --> 00:46:33.542
What out?
00:46:33.792 --> 00:46:37.251
Why we should come all this way,
slowly and painfully,
00:46:37.751 --> 00:46:40.751
inch by inch, fraction by fraction,
second by second,
00:46:40.834 --> 00:46:43.959
so that my wife should die by a swan?
00:46:44.042 --> 00:46:45.876
Very personal view of evolution.
00:46:45.917 --> 00:46:49.751
What have a swan and my wife
got in common?
00:46:49.792 --> 00:46:51.751
- Me!
- You?
00:46:51.834 --> 00:46:55.042
And my car, my amputated leg,
00:46:55.917 --> 00:46:57.126
my lost child.
00:46:57.501 --> 00:46:59.584
Before the vast majority of reptiles
00:46:59.667 --> 00:47:00.834
died out mysteriously...
00:47:00.917 --> 00:47:02.584
Reptiles didn't die out.
00:47:03.959 --> 00:47:07.251
They grew feathers and became birds.
00:47:07.334 --> 00:47:10.501
So our swan was a flying lizard?
00:47:10.584 --> 00:47:12.917
Did Jupiter know that
when he raped Leda?
00:47:12.959 --> 00:47:15.459
He didn't rape her. She was willing.
00:47:15.542 --> 00:47:18.584
Mon dieu, Oswald!
Are you implying I was?
00:47:18.626 --> 00:47:19.959
What do you mean?
00:47:20.042 --> 00:47:23.084
You've been trying to tell me,
you and Oliver,
00:47:23.126 --> 00:47:25.584
that I was responsible
for your wife's death.
00:47:25.667 --> 00:47:28.334
No, we haven't.
00:47:29.542 --> 00:47:31.917
And things have suddenly changed.
00:47:33.751 --> 00:47:37.751
Forcing the development
of new sexual apparatus...
00:47:37.834 --> 00:47:39.584
Where is Oliver?
00:47:39.626 --> 00:47:41.084
He's working.
00:47:42.792 --> 00:47:47.084
He keeps stealing snails,
letting butterflies free.
00:47:47.876 --> 00:47:52.251
He should go there.
It's full of snails and butterflies.
00:47:52.792 --> 00:47:58.751
If you left a bicycle by the back door,
and you went indoors to use the toilet,
00:47:58.834 --> 00:48:03.834
when you came out,
the saddle was covered in snails,
00:48:03.917 --> 00:48:06.084
licking up your sweat.
00:48:08.751 --> 00:48:10.834
I haven't been there for 15 years.
00:48:12.251 --> 00:48:14.376
I'd quite like to die there.
00:48:15.709 --> 00:48:19.584
You must go there for me.
You might find my Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.
00:48:20.792 --> 00:48:22.584
The key is in my bag.
00:48:23.209 --> 00:48:24.626
God!
00:48:26.709 --> 00:48:32.542
- Good Lord, Alba! Which one?
- Oh! I don't know, I've forgotten.
00:48:33.417 --> 00:48:35.376
You'd better try them all.
00:48:37.751 --> 00:48:42.126
Ah! Start with this one. It looks right.
00:48:48.584 --> 00:48:52.417
- Why'd you keep all these?
- I've always had them.
00:48:53.584 --> 00:48:57.501
You must never throw a key away.
Did you know that?
00:48:59.459 --> 00:49:00.709
Kiss me.
00:49:02.417 --> 00:49:04.209
Crocodiles and their relatives,
00:49:04.251 --> 00:49:06.792
the gharials, alligators and caimans...
00:49:06.876 --> 00:49:09.626
- Your leg.
- What leg?
00:49:11.334 --> 00:49:13.209
Don't be so sensitive.
00:49:14.126 --> 00:49:18.542
You'd be surprised,
what a novelty it is.
00:49:19.251 --> 00:49:23.126
Come on. I want more than a kiss.
00:49:23.917 --> 00:49:27.084
You might like it. Your brother did.
00:50:18.167 --> 00:50:21.084
- What's the charge?
- Charge?
00:50:21.876 --> 00:50:24.542
The charge is £30.
00:50:27.917 --> 00:50:30.417
Do you think the zebra was a mistake?
00:50:31.834 --> 00:50:33.001
Never.
00:50:33.501 --> 00:50:36.876
Do you think that
black and white stripes are useful?
00:50:37.626 --> 00:50:39.251
I'm sure they are.
00:50:40.334 --> 00:50:43.501
Since the zebra
is such a beautiful animal,
00:50:43.584 --> 00:50:47.251
you'd have thought, perhaps, that man
would have invented a fanciful hybrid.
00:50:47.292 --> 00:50:48.417
Wouldn't you?
00:50:49.167 --> 00:50:51.167
You know, like a centaur.
00:50:52.667 --> 00:50:57.167
A black and white centaur,
half-woman, half-zebra,
00:50:58.251 --> 00:51:03.917
with striped breasts,
ever-ready haunches and a white tail.
00:51:05.917 --> 00:51:07.459
No black hair.
00:51:09.334 --> 00:51:11.459
They'd only put it in a zoo.
00:51:12.042 --> 00:51:15.917
- Next to the unicorn.
- And the mermaid.
00:51:17.334 --> 00:51:19.834
Animals are always kept for profit.
00:51:21.209 --> 00:51:23.626
Maybe that's what they are for.
00:51:23.709 --> 00:51:26.626
There are many ways of making a profit.
00:51:26.709 --> 00:51:29.084
If I had the money to own a zoo,
00:51:29.167 --> 00:51:31.667
I would stock it with
mythological animals.
00:51:32.251 --> 00:51:35.001
And where would you find them?
00:51:35.084 --> 00:51:36.459
I would ask you to help me.
00:51:38.001 --> 00:51:40.209
Oh, I'm very expensive.
00:52:03.459 --> 00:52:05.251
You don't seem
to have protected Alba
00:52:05.292 --> 00:52:07.417
from the attentions
of Oliver and Oswald.
00:52:07.459 --> 00:52:10.167
I can't patrol the world like a sentry.
00:52:10.959 --> 00:52:13.542
You could surely offer more
attractive alternatives
00:52:13.584 --> 00:52:15.626
than a woman with one leg.
00:52:18.084 --> 00:52:21.584
Would they be interested in a woman
with no legs at all?
00:52:22.876 --> 00:52:26.584
Since you, obviously, put more
interest in her than you do in me,
00:52:26.667 --> 00:52:29.084
you ought to be able to answer
the question yourself.
00:52:36.251 --> 00:52:40.042
- Captain Hook had one leg.
- It was his arm.
00:52:40.084 --> 00:52:41.459
And Long John Silver.
00:52:41.542 --> 00:52:43.667
They were both fictional,
so they don't count.
00:52:43.751 --> 00:52:47.417
- And Victor Hugo's father.
- He wrote fiction, so he doesn't count.
00:52:47.501 --> 00:52:49.542
It was a cork leg.
00:52:49.792 --> 00:52:51.001
Really?
00:52:51.792 --> 00:52:55.792
Oh, I wonder if he had as much
trouble having it fitting as I am?
00:52:56.251 --> 00:52:59.001
- Next time you two must come with me.
- Why?
00:52:59.084 --> 00:53:01.084
To protect to me
from unnecessary attentions.
00:53:01.126 --> 00:53:04.084
- Oh, you're imagining it.
- Pinocchio's legs were wooden.
00:53:04.167 --> 00:53:05.417
Well, Toulouse-Lautrec.
00:53:05.501 --> 00:53:08.501
He had legs,
they were just a little short.
00:53:08.584 --> 00:53:10.084
Now, his father kept horses.
00:53:10.126 --> 00:53:13.001
So? Marie Antoinette's father kept pigs.
Look what happened to her.
00:53:13.084 --> 00:53:15.167
Marie Antoinette's father
didn't keep pigs!
00:53:15.251 --> 00:53:17.251
Somebody's father did.
00:53:17.334 --> 00:53:20.042
You two are improving, aren't you?
00:53:20.084 --> 00:53:22.209
Who would have thought
you knew one another?
00:53:22.251 --> 00:53:23.626
Yeah, Beta.
00:53:31.376 --> 00:53:37.084
Shall we jump in now or later?
What would we taste like?
00:53:37.126 --> 00:53:41.417
Grief doesn't flavour anything.
It's just sour.
00:53:41.459 --> 00:53:44.584
- Excuse me, can I have a word with you?
- Go ahead.
00:53:44.626 --> 00:53:47.417
- Wouldn't you like to speak to me alone?
- No.
00:53:47.501 --> 00:53:50.251
Oh, dear! Grief is a great healer.
00:53:50.334 --> 00:53:52.376
I hear you might be looking
for some dead animals.
00:53:52.417 --> 00:53:53.501
I may be.
00:53:53.584 --> 00:53:55.268
- Well, what exactly are you looking for?
- Reptiles.
00:53:55.292 --> 00:53:57.292
- Would something a bit bigger do?
- Not yet.
00:53:57.376 --> 00:53:58.501
Would a crocodile do?
00:53:58.584 --> 00:54:00.542
Well, it might,
but I'm unlikely to find one.
00:54:00.584 --> 00:54:02.834
- How much would you pay?
- Pay? I haven't thought.
00:54:02.917 --> 00:54:05.310
What all you'll bought with the
insurance money, you're not badly off.
00:54:05.334 --> 00:54:06.542
That's none of your business.
00:54:06.584 --> 00:54:08.167
- £40.
- That seems a lot.
00:54:08.251 --> 00:54:12.084
- All right, £35.
- Where did you get that?
00:54:12.167 --> 00:54:15.959
In a zoo community of 7,000 animals,
there are deaths every day.
00:54:16.042 --> 00:54:18.417
I mean, crocodiles are not immortal.
00:54:22.876 --> 00:54:25.917
De Milo, with my
instructions, has made you a dress.
00:54:26.251 --> 00:54:29.667
It's a copy in every detail,
of the one worn by Madame Van Ees,
00:54:29.751 --> 00:54:32.417
in both The Concert
and The Music Lesson.
00:54:33.126 --> 00:54:36.917
We now nearly have the entire wardrobe
seen in Vermeer's paintings.
00:54:37.584 --> 00:54:40.667
I came for an artificial leg,
not an artificial dress.
00:54:40.751 --> 00:54:44.292
Just to please me.
Milo, help Alba with the dress.
00:54:46.959 --> 00:54:48.626
Have you two met?
00:54:49.876 --> 00:54:54.584
I know enough, Milo,
to know that you favour black
00:54:54.667 --> 00:54:57.417
and plan to earn your living
as a writer.
00:54:58.792 --> 00:55:00.542
I know a publisher.
00:55:01.042 --> 00:55:04.417
You must come and tell me
some dirty stories.
00:55:04.501 --> 00:55:07.376
Oh, what you would like?
I could tell you about
00:55:07.417 --> 00:55:10.792
what Venus did to the unicorn
in Beardsley's Under the Hill.
00:55:10.876 --> 00:55:14.209
- Milo...
- He got paid 60 guineas.
00:55:14.251 --> 00:55:16.751
What do you think 60 guineas was worth?
00:55:16.834 --> 00:55:18.792
Milo, put the dress on.
00:55:18.876 --> 00:55:22.667
In this room, as you can see,
I'm only used for holding pins.
00:55:23.876 --> 00:55:25.917
Do I really have to?
00:55:26.709 --> 00:55:28.792
Come on, sit at the piano.
Can you play?
00:55:29.167 --> 00:55:31.167
Nothing very complicated.
00:56:00.167 --> 00:56:01.959
It needs a tuck here.
00:56:03.626 --> 00:56:08.126
There's not enough spread.
A pity about the hair.
00:56:12.417 --> 00:56:14.209
Get me out of here.
00:56:14.251 --> 00:56:16.126
C'est terrible!
00:56:16.584 --> 00:56:18.292
What's so terrible?
00:56:18.376 --> 00:56:22.084
I'm an excuse for medical
experiments and art theory.
00:56:22.751 --> 00:56:25.709
You must get me out of here
and out of the hospital.
00:56:25.751 --> 00:56:28.126
They are trying to help you.
00:56:28.209 --> 00:56:31.251
Help me, for God's sake!
What are you thinking?
00:56:32.209 --> 00:56:36.417
I'm stitched and sewn
to the music stool.
00:56:37.001 --> 00:56:39.126
Look, I'm imprisoned!
00:56:47.126 --> 00:56:49.709
This is one
of the most specialised of birds,
00:56:49.751 --> 00:56:52.584
which has evolved
during the past few million years
00:56:52.667 --> 00:56:55.751
to exploit this one
particular environment.
00:56:55.792 --> 00:57:00.751
The shallow alkaline lakes and lagoons
swarming with microscopic life.
00:57:06.834 --> 00:57:07.917
Why not?
00:57:35.959 --> 00:57:37.501
It's beautiful!
00:57:38.709 --> 00:57:41.042
Does Alba really know
what she's got here?
00:57:41.084 --> 00:57:42.626
I'm sure of it.
00:57:43.501 --> 00:57:47.792
- Does she really know what she's doing?
- She's trying to start all over again.
00:57:47.876 --> 00:57:50.018
By sleeping with two brothers
who can't tell the difference
00:57:50.042 --> 00:57:53.001
between pleasure and grief
and take advantage of her loneliness.
00:57:53.084 --> 00:57:56.417
My impression was she was
taking advantage of our loneliness.
00:57:56.459 --> 00:57:57.584
So...
00:57:58.251 --> 00:58:02.001
Who's gaining most out of this
mutual exploitation?
00:58:02.084 --> 00:58:04.626
- At the moment, I am.
- Why you?
00:58:04.709 --> 00:58:06.751
'Cause I'm enjoying this!
00:58:06.834 --> 00:58:09.042
You're here but worried
about exploitation.
00:58:09.292 --> 00:58:12.251
And Alba's not here
but in bed without a leg.
00:58:33.751 --> 00:58:35.876
Now, open your eyes.
00:58:37.042 --> 00:58:39.126
We've not found your Felipe Arc-en-Ciel,
00:58:39.209 --> 00:58:41.709
but we have found you an apartment.
00:58:42.209 --> 00:58:44.709
Now you'll be safe
from art and medicine.
00:58:44.751 --> 00:58:47.667
It looks very expensive!
00:58:49.209 --> 00:58:51.167
And a little bit vulgar.
00:58:52.584 --> 00:58:58.084
It's certainly convenient for the zoo.
And who's going to pay for all this?
00:58:58.167 --> 00:58:59.209
We are!
00:58:59.251 --> 00:59:03.542
And here is a reminder
of how it really goes.
00:59:06.917 --> 00:59:08.917
♪ If you go down in the woods today
00:59:08.959 --> 00:59:11.459
♪ You're sure of a big surprise ♪
00:59:11.542 --> 00:59:15.417
I see,
exchanging one prison for another.
00:59:16.292 --> 00:59:18.626
But the music is still the same.
00:59:20.542 --> 00:59:23.792
- So, I am to be a kept woman?
- Not so you'd notice.
00:59:24.751 --> 00:59:27.167
Will I be able to escape if I want to?
00:59:27.251 --> 00:59:29.709
Of course!
You know, I don't believe in cages.
00:59:29.751 --> 00:59:34.626
- Suppose, I don't want to escape.
- Good grief, Alba!
00:59:34.709 --> 00:59:36.709
You're free to come and go,
as you please.
00:59:36.751 --> 00:59:40.042
Good! Just want to get that straight.
00:59:40.084 --> 00:59:42.584
You know they clip
the wings of birds in the zoo.
00:59:42.626 --> 00:59:45.042
Yeah, but they always grow again.
00:59:45.376 --> 00:59:48.917
Now that wasn't a such a bright thing
to say in the circumstances, was it?
00:59:48.959 --> 00:59:50.126
Sorry.
00:59:51.501 --> 00:59:54.834
- Who has the keys?
- You can have the keys.
00:59:54.917 --> 00:59:58.292
The keys aren't in it.
Look, you are as free as a bird!
00:59:58.376 --> 01:00:02.084
Just like Leda.
01:00:03.959 --> 01:00:06.459
Prove I'm as free as a bird.
01:00:06.542 --> 01:00:08.834
- Prove it?
- Mmm-hmm.
01:00:10.001 --> 01:00:11.751
All right.
01:00:11.792 --> 01:00:15.459
All right, you just sit on your balcony
at 9:00 tomorrow morning
01:00:15.542 --> 01:00:18.917
and I'll show you how easy it is
to free birds.
01:00:18.959 --> 01:00:23.292
Okay, let's see how all that
changes in the face of new evidence.
01:00:25.001 --> 01:00:30.834
I am about to become a mother,
and you are about to become a father.
01:00:30.917 --> 01:00:32.251
- Or fathers.
- You what?
01:00:32.334 --> 01:00:33.459
- You are?
- I am.
01:00:33.542 --> 01:00:34.584
- Good Lord.
- Why not?
01:00:34.626 --> 01:00:36.251
- You can?
- Of course.
01:00:36.334 --> 01:00:39.626
- Is leglessness a form of contraception?
- I'm not sure.
01:00:39.709 --> 01:00:41.251
- You're not sure?
- I'm delighted.
01:00:41.292 --> 01:00:45.709
You're delighted.
A pregnant cripple and you're delighted?
01:00:45.751 --> 01:00:47.751
Think of what it will do
to my sense of balance.
01:00:47.792 --> 01:00:51.417
- It might help give you more stability.
- Then you recommend it.
01:00:51.459 --> 01:00:55.417
Recommendation's one thing,
a woman on crutches is another.
01:00:55.459 --> 01:00:57.917
So, who's the father?
01:00:58.584 --> 01:01:00.251
Well, well, well.
01:01:00.876 --> 01:01:02.626
Why don't you discuss it
between yourselves?
01:01:02.709 --> 01:01:04.084
Well, don't you know?
01:01:04.126 --> 01:01:08.584
Grand dieu, does an animal behaviourist
need to ask such questions?
01:01:09.584 --> 01:01:12.792
As far as I'm concerned you both are.
01:01:12.876 --> 01:01:14.751
- But you're...
- No buts!
01:01:16.751 --> 01:01:19.542
You are brothers, aren't you?
01:01:19.584 --> 01:01:22.334
What's a few spermatozoa among brothers?
01:01:58.917 --> 01:02:03.167
Oliver,
invigorating as the sight may be to you,
01:02:03.251 --> 01:02:08.459
perhaps you can tell me
something about their escape.
01:02:08.542 --> 01:02:09.834
You think I should know?
01:02:10.917 --> 01:02:15.126
I understand that you are
critical about my custody of birds.
01:02:17.751 --> 01:02:22.334
They look like twins.
Could they fly like that, do you think?
01:02:22.417 --> 01:02:25.334
- Joined together like that?
- They could learn.
01:02:26.584 --> 01:02:29.417
- Could my fish learn?
- I'm sure.
01:02:30.001 --> 01:02:31.417
It's lonely.
01:02:32.751 --> 01:02:35.626
I'll show you what to do. Come with me.
01:02:35.709 --> 01:02:37.959
Both the tiger and the zebra
01:02:38.042 --> 01:02:39.959
carry their own prison bars.
01:02:40.751 --> 01:02:45.251
But whereas the tiger's stripes,
undoubtedly serve as camouflage,
01:02:45.334 --> 01:02:46.584
the stripes of the zebra
01:02:46.667 --> 01:02:49.751
are now no longer believed
to be protective colouring.
01:02:51.417 --> 01:02:55.084
The flamingo, Jerome,
lives on crustaceans.
01:02:55.126 --> 01:02:56.886
The richer the diet,
the pinker the feathers.
01:02:57.334 --> 01:02:59.084
Your birds are too pale.
01:02:59.167 --> 01:03:02.167
Fresh prawns
are rather difficult to keep
01:03:02.459 --> 01:03:03.751
as I'm sure you understand.
01:03:03.834 --> 01:03:06.876
A flamingo enclosure
is 10 feet by 12.
01:03:06.917 --> 01:03:11.751
You have 123 birds which gives each bird
one square foot each.
01:03:11.834 --> 01:03:14.667
Flamingos normally roost
standing on one another's feet.
01:03:14.751 --> 01:03:19.792
There you are, a mirror image.
It's not that impossible to find.
01:03:21.001 --> 01:03:22.709
Flamingos never
experience a temperature
01:03:22.751 --> 01:03:24.667
lower than five degrees centigrade.
01:03:24.751 --> 01:03:26.584
Nor do they
respect traffic signals.
01:03:27.417 --> 01:03:30.751
Your fugitive cold and anaemic flamingos
01:03:30.792 --> 01:03:33.501
don't look terribly at home
waiting for a taxi, do they?
01:03:33.584 --> 01:03:36.917
Well, you've got it wrong.
They're waiting for a bus
01:03:37.417 --> 01:03:38.751
to Africa.
01:03:39.417 --> 01:03:42.709
How charming. Oliver, a warning.
01:03:43.584 --> 01:03:46.917
Snails, butterflies and now birds
have escaped from the zoo.
01:03:46.959 --> 01:03:49.292
I can't prove that
you're responsible, Oliver,
01:03:49.376 --> 01:03:53.126
but I'm sure my suspicions
are not too far from the truth.
01:03:53.209 --> 01:03:54.584
Be careful.
01:05:15.751 --> 01:05:19.959
♪ A horse, of course
Is such a noble beast ♪
01:05:20.542 --> 01:05:23.084
I've got to go back to the hospital.
01:05:23.126 --> 01:05:26.001
- Why?
- I'm going to lose the other one.
01:05:26.084 --> 01:05:27.126
Other what?
01:05:30.751 --> 01:05:32.001
This one.
01:05:39.792 --> 01:05:42.084
What's the matter with you?
01:05:42.167 --> 01:05:45.376
- It looks all right, doesn't it?
- Of course, it does.
01:05:45.417 --> 01:05:47.917
- What's wrong with it?
- It's got to go.
01:05:47.959 --> 01:05:49.667
Oh, you're joking. You can't be serious.
01:05:49.751 --> 01:05:51.459
You pulling my leg?
01:05:52.709 --> 01:05:54.084
It's dying.
01:05:54.626 --> 01:05:56.959
How can it be dying?
01:05:57.042 --> 01:05:58.792
It's all on its own.
01:06:00.251 --> 01:06:01.626
It's lonely.
01:06:04.084 --> 01:06:06.834
You never see a female leg in a Vermeer.
01:06:07.751 --> 01:06:09.376
Have you noticed?
01:06:10.001 --> 01:06:13.084
Do you think it's a conspiracy
by Van Meegeren?
01:06:13.917 --> 01:06:17.751
It's Van Meegeren who says,
it's got to come off.
01:06:17.834 --> 01:06:20.251
He says it's a shock to the spine.
01:06:22.709 --> 01:06:25.417
I'm getting sore,
that I can hardly move.
01:06:27.167 --> 01:06:30.917
Feel it. It's cold, don't you think?
01:06:32.584 --> 01:06:36.042
How could you both love this leg
as much as me?
01:06:37.584 --> 01:06:40.084
It's the only leg I've got left.
01:06:42.709 --> 01:06:46.667
How much of your body can you lose
and still recognise yourself?
01:06:50.792 --> 01:06:55.584
Two legs look so good together,
don't you think?
01:06:57.334 --> 01:06:59.459
They complement one another.
01:07:02.417 --> 01:07:05.376
It's sad, just,
they were made for each other.
01:07:09.251 --> 01:07:10.459
Like us.
01:07:11.917 --> 01:07:13.751
Like your legs, Alba.
01:07:15.001 --> 01:07:16.792
We are complementary.
01:07:17.459 --> 01:07:19.209
Of course, you are.
01:07:20.292 --> 01:07:23.792
Oh! What's the name of the piece
at the back of the knee?
01:07:23.876 --> 01:07:26.834
- Hasn't got a name.
- Oh, then I won't miss it.
01:07:26.917 --> 01:07:29.001
Lots of other common features
haven't got names
01:07:29.084 --> 01:07:31.917
like this small piece of gristle
that separates the nostrils.
01:07:31.959 --> 01:07:34.251
It also keeps them together.
01:07:34.292 --> 01:07:37.167
Why do we have to have two nostrils?
01:07:37.251 --> 01:07:39.084
Why do we have to have
two of everything?
01:07:39.167 --> 01:07:41.417
- Symmetry is all.
- We're twins.
01:07:45.084 --> 01:07:46.959
I know you are.
01:07:49.334 --> 01:07:53.667
Just because you've chosen now
to reveal your amazing secret,
01:07:53.751 --> 01:07:55.209
doesn't mean I have to be surprised.
01:07:55.251 --> 01:07:58.167
- Who told you?
- No one.
01:07:58.251 --> 01:07:59.584
I guessed.
01:08:00.251 --> 01:08:02.584
- Not even your wives told me.
- They didn't know.
01:08:02.626 --> 01:08:03.959
They didn't know? Come on.
01:08:04.042 --> 01:08:05.727
- They didn't know.
- They knew we were brothers,
01:08:05.751 --> 01:08:07.917
but they were never told
that we were twins.
01:08:07.959 --> 01:08:11.042
Well, now, that is a surprise.
01:08:18.126 --> 01:08:19.334
Well...
01:08:20.334 --> 01:08:25.042
They can't torture me any more
by burning straws between my toes.
01:08:25.084 --> 01:08:28.459
I can't be tickled to death
on the soles of my feet.
01:08:28.542 --> 01:08:29.626
I can't be kneecapped.
01:08:29.709 --> 01:08:31.751
Or get housemaid's knee
or athlete's foot.
01:08:31.792 --> 01:08:34.959
- Or verruca.
- You can get verrucas on your hands.
01:08:36.834 --> 01:08:38.709
Say goodbye to my leg.
01:08:39.751 --> 01:08:41.126
Both of you.
01:08:44.001 --> 01:08:45.292
Bye, leg.
01:08:45.751 --> 01:08:47.417
Go on, Oswald.
01:08:50.417 --> 01:08:51.792
Goodbye, leg.
01:08:53.084 --> 01:08:54.334
Kiss it.
01:08:55.417 --> 01:08:57.167
It needs a send-off.
01:08:59.584 --> 01:09:02.917
Here and here.
01:09:15.667 --> 01:09:17.542
Pauvre jambe.
01:11:24.917 --> 01:11:26.626
Come to the window.
01:11:32.292 --> 01:11:34.042
Turn out the light.
01:11:40.042 --> 01:11:43.876
- What are you watching?
- It's a convalescence present,
01:11:43.917 --> 01:11:46.501
to celebrate your return
to the zoo hotel.
01:11:48.334 --> 01:11:49.751
I turned out the rhino.
01:11:50.876 --> 01:11:52.852
- It followed me to the corner.
- And you abandoned it.
01:11:52.876 --> 01:11:54.935
- It'll be all right.
- Supposing it attacks someone?
01:11:54.959 --> 01:11:56.167
It won't. It's short-sighted.
01:11:56.417 --> 01:11:59.959
Carry me to the window.
I've never been to Africa.
01:12:16.709 --> 01:12:19.501
The rhino seems able
to look after itself.
01:12:22.751 --> 01:12:24.542
Take me back to bed.
01:12:27.084 --> 01:12:28.751
Come and join me.
01:13:12.042 --> 01:13:14.876
Now, how about changing sides?
01:13:14.917 --> 01:13:16.876
No, I'm happy on the left.
01:13:16.917 --> 01:13:20.459
I exactly know my place
and feel very comfortable in it.
01:13:21.459 --> 01:13:23.268
Though it's possibly only tonight,
for the first time,
01:13:23.292 --> 01:13:25.417
that I am prepared to acknowledge it.
01:13:25.501 --> 01:13:30.292
- Know your place?
- Since before I was three.
01:13:30.376 --> 01:13:34.459
- You have a long memory.
- And a few scars to prove it.
01:13:34.542 --> 01:13:35.792
Prove it?
01:13:36.917 --> 01:13:38.417
Below the ear.
01:13:39.292 --> 01:13:41.084
At the shoulder.
01:13:44.167 --> 01:13:45.667
Along the hip.
01:13:48.459 --> 01:13:50.209
And along the shin.
01:13:54.001 --> 01:13:56.334
Oswald and Oliver,
01:13:57.376 --> 01:13:59.042
Siamese twins.
01:14:01.792 --> 01:14:04.751
Why haven't you acknowledged it before?
01:14:04.792 --> 01:14:08.251
- Paternal advice.
- Say nothing and nobody will ever know.
01:14:08.334 --> 01:14:10.834
But it's something special
to shout about, isn't it?
01:14:10.917 --> 01:14:11.917
Was it?
01:14:12.001 --> 01:14:15.126
Freaks and rarities
used to be kept in circuses.
01:14:15.209 --> 01:14:17.084
Now all civilised, they're kept in zoos.
01:14:17.126 --> 01:14:20.084
Our mother didn't like the idea of us
being a rare species...
01:14:20.167 --> 01:14:21.584
in a zoo.
01:14:57.584 --> 01:15:00.001
You have no right to use zoo equipment
01:15:00.084 --> 01:15:02.209
for any old animal
you find in the streets.
01:15:02.251 --> 01:15:04.376
Specially not
a black and white one,
01:15:04.417 --> 01:15:06.292
knocked down by a malicious driver?
01:15:06.376 --> 01:15:08.459
What is it, Hoyten,
about black and white animals
01:15:08.542 --> 01:15:12.084
that you must reserve
your special animosity for them?
01:15:12.126 --> 01:15:14.626
- Nothing!
- What did you say?
01:15:14.959 --> 01:15:18.251
Unless you pay me £200
for the use of that dog...
01:15:18.292 --> 01:15:19.626
Hoyten, it's not yours to sell.
01:15:19.709 --> 01:15:21.018
And if we can
prove you killed it,
01:15:21.042 --> 01:15:23.167
it's you who'll do the paying.
01:15:23.251 --> 01:15:28.251
I shall report this misuse
of zoo property to Fallast.
01:15:29.667 --> 01:15:31.417
You do that.
01:15:43.626 --> 01:15:45.084
Come on, lad.
01:15:46.667 --> 01:15:48.917
I sit here for hours.
01:15:51.667 --> 01:15:54.292
It's like sitting amongst lighthouses.
01:15:56.709 --> 01:16:00.584
Each lighthouse is giving you
a bearing on lost spaces of time.
01:16:03.209 --> 01:16:06.917
There are tens of thousands
of photographs taken here.
01:16:06.959 --> 01:16:11.042
All taken very patiently.
Because decay can be very slow.
01:16:12.834 --> 01:16:17.501
Nine months for the human body,
they say.
01:17:16.876 --> 01:17:18.542
Why are zebras
01:17:20.167 --> 01:17:23.334
always given for the last letter
of the alphabet?
01:17:24.417 --> 01:17:26.751
Can you think of a better word?
01:17:29.417 --> 01:17:34.209
What did they use for "Z"
before they knew zebras existed?
01:17:35.084 --> 01:17:38.167
That was so long ago,
nobody needed an alphabet.
01:17:39.542 --> 01:17:43.167
I think the letter "Z"
was invented especially for zebras.
01:17:44.917 --> 01:17:46.584
What is your name?
01:17:48.626 --> 01:17:49.709
Why?
01:17:51.001 --> 01:17:52.751
Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.
01:18:07.292 --> 01:18:12.501
If you've got any control over it,
I want to be buried here.
01:18:12.584 --> 01:18:14.417
It's not consecrated ground.
01:18:14.501 --> 01:18:18.584
Well, we could make it
consecrated ground.
01:18:18.626 --> 01:18:22.834
I'll be cremated
and you can scatter my ashes here.
01:18:22.917 --> 01:18:24.626
Snails don't like ashes.
01:18:24.709 --> 01:18:27.626
They'll just have
to put up with them.
01:18:28.251 --> 01:18:31.126
By the way, you still owe me a cripple.
01:18:31.209 --> 01:18:32.542
Pardon?
01:18:32.584 --> 01:18:37.584
I said you could only come here,
if you find me a cripple to cherish.
01:18:37.626 --> 01:18:40.667
And I expect you to find him
before I deliver.
01:18:40.751 --> 01:18:43.167
Are we likely
to find him for you?
01:18:43.251 --> 01:18:47.084
- You intend to make him push us out?
- Push you out?
01:18:47.167 --> 01:18:52.626
You are both zoologists.
I want you to be there when I deliver.
01:18:52.709 --> 01:18:56.417
It might cure you
with your obsession with decay.
01:18:56.459 --> 01:18:58.459
Keep looking.
01:19:13.834 --> 01:19:16.251
- "P" is for...
- Penguin.
01:19:16.334 --> 01:19:18.792
- "Q" is for...
- Quagga.
01:19:18.876 --> 01:19:21.334
- "R" is for...
- Rhinoceros.
01:19:21.417 --> 01:19:23.001
- "S" is for...
- Swan.
01:19:44.917 --> 01:19:48.042
I'm told Vermeer's wife
never sat for him.
01:19:48.084 --> 01:19:51.584
Vermeer's wife,
Catharina Bolnes, gave him 14 children.
01:19:51.959 --> 01:19:54.376
My Catharina Bolnes is barren.
01:19:54.417 --> 01:19:56.584
Your Catharina Bolnes...
01:19:57.876 --> 01:20:00.751
She changed her name by a deed poll
because I asked her to.
01:20:03.251 --> 01:20:07.084
Oh, dear, what an influence
you must have.
01:20:07.167 --> 01:20:10.417
I understand that
you are now called Leda?
01:20:10.501 --> 01:20:13.626
It is an affectionate joke
with no strings.
01:20:13.709 --> 01:20:14.917
I'm glad.
01:20:16.459 --> 01:20:17.876
You're glad?
01:20:18.792 --> 01:20:20.417
Dear Alba,
01:20:20.459 --> 01:20:23.667
I've been very close to you
on the operating table.
01:20:23.751 --> 01:20:27.292
With just a little encouragement
from you I could be as close again.
01:20:27.376 --> 01:20:30.084
Take your arm off!
01:20:30.167 --> 01:20:32.917
Come on, Alba. What excitements
can a legless woman come by?
01:20:33.001 --> 01:20:35.917
Enough to make
your attention superfluous.
01:20:35.959 --> 01:20:39.209
Get off, Meegeren, you fake!
01:20:39.251 --> 01:20:41.084
Your shoes are muddy.
01:20:41.917 --> 01:20:44.209
I can always take my shoes off.
01:20:45.417 --> 01:20:48.376
If that was calculated to be cruel,
01:20:48.417 --> 01:20:50.917
you certainly don't know
how to make an appeal,
01:20:51.001 --> 01:20:53.042
even on the poorest level!
01:20:53.459 --> 01:20:56.667
Now leave and take Vermeer with you!
01:20:57.584 --> 01:21:01.584
Your Catharina Bolnes
is waiting for you, barren or not!
01:21:04.751 --> 01:21:08.209
I've got this new story for you
about the origin of the sphinx.
01:21:08.251 --> 01:21:11.709
You know,
what walks on four legs in the morning,
01:21:11.751 --> 01:21:15.709
two legs at midday
and three legs in the afternoon?
01:21:15.751 --> 01:21:19.667
Do you think Alba would like it?
It's yours for £25.
01:21:20.876 --> 01:21:24.834
- We want you to make us a suit.
- I know. Plenty of measuring inside leg?
01:21:24.917 --> 01:21:27.042
God, Milo, you've got a one track mind.
01:21:27.084 --> 01:21:29.834
That would mean you've got two,
one each.
01:21:31.626 --> 01:21:34.751
We want you to make us a suit.
01:21:34.834 --> 01:21:36.917
There are plenty of respectable tailors.
01:21:36.959 --> 01:21:41.626
- A three-piece suit.
- Oh! Who's the third part for?
01:21:41.709 --> 01:21:44.126
All three parts are for us, Milo.
01:21:44.209 --> 01:21:47.292
But are you capable of handling
the inside arms?
01:21:50.876 --> 01:21:54.001
All right.
I'll strike a bargain with you.
01:21:54.542 --> 01:21:56.917
You get me a story published,
01:21:56.959 --> 01:21:59.251
and I'll make the underwear
to go with the suit.
01:22:33.001 --> 01:22:35.876
Zebras die here
with unfailing regularity.
01:22:35.917 --> 01:22:36.959
Why is that?
01:22:37.042 --> 01:22:39.876
It's about the only black and white
animal left in the zoo.
01:22:39.917 --> 01:22:41.876
- What about the panda?
- It's stuffed.
01:22:41.917 --> 01:22:44.917
- It isn't.
- It is, ask Plate.
01:22:45.667 --> 01:22:48.126
He moves it about daily
on the bamboo shoots.
01:22:48.209 --> 01:22:51.084
- How often did you see it move?
- It was always asleep.
01:22:51.167 --> 01:22:52.292
It's permanently asleep.
01:22:52.376 --> 01:22:54.584
Plate makes dung pellets
out of plasticine,
01:22:54.626 --> 01:22:57.417
scatters them about the cage
each afternoon.
01:22:57.459 --> 01:23:00.084
- He doesn't.
- He does.
01:23:00.126 --> 01:23:02.417
The only trouble is
he gets the colour wrong.
01:23:02.501 --> 01:23:04.292
They're a different colour every day.
01:23:04.376 --> 01:23:07.417
But don't worry.
The kids know exactly what is going on.
01:23:07.459 --> 01:23:11.042
- I bet if you ask Beta she'd tell you.
- What a fake!
01:23:11.751 --> 01:23:13.084
How could they get away with it?
01:23:13.126 --> 01:23:15.751
They can get away with this
all the time.
01:23:15.834 --> 01:23:16.876
Haven't you noticed?
01:23:16.917 --> 01:23:19.126
Catharina Bolnes
is never the same twice.
01:23:19.209 --> 01:23:21.251
I can only recognise her
by that dreadful hat.
01:23:22.417 --> 01:23:26.792
I'm not so certain whether Van Hoyten
is always the same person.
01:23:26.876 --> 01:23:28.417
The clothes are the same.
01:23:28.459 --> 01:23:30.876
You're always supposed to recognise him.
01:23:30.917 --> 01:23:33.792
You can never fail to recognise a zebra.
01:23:33.876 --> 01:23:35.251
Or an angel.
01:23:35.917 --> 01:23:37.084
Hello!
01:23:38.126 --> 01:23:40.417
I thought you said he had legs.
01:23:40.917 --> 01:23:44.459
He's taken them off
to meet you on an equal footing.
01:23:44.542 --> 01:23:47.001
Felipe Arc-en-Ciel!
01:23:47.084 --> 01:23:48.584
Hello!
01:23:53.417 --> 01:23:55.251
I'm a whore for freaks,
01:23:55.334 --> 01:23:58.834
separated Siamese twins, a speciality!
01:23:58.917 --> 01:24:02.751
I have been told, madame,
of your enjoyments. I sympathise.
01:24:03.417 --> 01:24:07.126
I, madame, am an inordinate
admirer of horses.
01:24:07.209 --> 01:24:09.251
Pregnant mares, especially.
01:24:09.334 --> 01:24:12.709
I've always wished that
I could've served a white pregnant mare.
01:24:12.751 --> 01:24:15.042
And have you tried?
01:24:15.084 --> 01:24:19.042
In this present maimed company
I can admit to anything.
01:24:19.084 --> 01:24:22.209
A white mare was my downfall, literally.
01:24:22.251 --> 01:24:27.126
I was tossed and kicked,
but I still lust after riding her.
01:24:27.876 --> 01:24:29.709
Her name was Hortensia.
01:24:32.251 --> 01:24:34.042
I'm jealous already.
01:24:34.917 --> 01:24:37.542
Doesn't a horse have four legs?
01:24:37.584 --> 01:24:40.709
Then that, madame,
is just enough for both of us.
01:24:44.251 --> 01:24:46.834
And this, Milo, is for you,
01:24:48.084 --> 01:24:50.084
for bringing us together.
01:24:56.667 --> 01:24:59.417
Come on, Oliver, you've done enough.
01:24:59.459 --> 01:25:00.667
Enough!
01:25:01.292 --> 01:25:04.834
This tiger walks 10 miles
up and down this cage every day.
01:25:04.917 --> 01:25:07.834
Do you really think it will walk
fewer miles with you inside him?
01:25:08.251 --> 01:25:11.917
In a striped, flannel suit,
with a crease in your trousers?
01:25:11.959 --> 01:25:14.584
Maybe I should take a few clothes off!
01:25:15.584 --> 01:25:17.084
Make it easier!
01:25:17.417 --> 01:25:20.542
You're supposed to let the animals out,
not go in there with them.
01:25:20.584 --> 01:25:23.334
How can I let out the tiger?
They'd only shoot it.
01:25:23.417 --> 01:25:26.001
Oliver, if you don't come out
we'll shoot it anyway.
01:25:26.084 --> 01:25:30.042
There's not enough room
in this bloody cage for a strip-tease.
01:25:30.084 --> 01:25:32.584
Enough room in there
for what you've got.
01:25:32.626 --> 01:25:37.667
- Look, I think I'd better join you.
- Oswald, one fool in there is enough!
01:25:37.751 --> 01:25:41.417
Stop him!
What on earth are they trying to prove?
01:25:58.417 --> 01:26:01.126
The tiger was obviously making
a prophetic gesture.
01:26:04.167 --> 01:26:07.626
I can't consider the possibilities
of joining you together,
01:26:07.709 --> 01:26:09.876
but between us,
could we satisfy the experts?
01:26:09.917 --> 01:26:12.417
You seem to have satisfied
the experts before.
01:26:12.459 --> 01:26:13.501
Meaning?
01:26:13.584 --> 01:26:16.501
By providing the zoo
with a one-legged gorilla.
01:26:16.584 --> 01:26:19.167
Do you feel that the gorilla
was ill-used?
01:26:19.251 --> 01:26:22.091
If you feel that my care is incomplete,
I must look at the animal again.
01:26:22.126 --> 01:26:25.209
What for? To amputate its other leg?
01:26:25.251 --> 01:26:28.376
If it's painful, cut it off.
Is that your answer?
01:26:28.417 --> 01:26:31.876
Animals on the whole are designed
with a view of symmetry.
01:26:31.917 --> 01:26:34.626
Surely in your experiments
you must have seen it.
01:26:34.709 --> 01:26:38.209
One of decay's first characteristics
is to spoil that symmetry,
01:26:38.251 --> 01:26:40.792
- wouldn't you say?
- You leave that animal alone, Meegeren!
01:26:40.876 --> 01:26:43.917
- Dear me, what do you think I am?
- You're certainly not Vermeer.
01:26:44.001 --> 01:26:47.376
Was it really necessary to amputate
a second time on Alba Bewick?
01:26:47.417 --> 01:26:48.834
Yes, it was!
01:26:49.251 --> 01:26:52.751
And if you doubt my abilities,
I wonder why you're here.
01:26:55.584 --> 01:26:57.542
Why do you want it done?
01:26:58.417 --> 01:26:59.876
Completeness.
01:26:59.917 --> 01:27:01.001
Hmm.
01:27:01.917 --> 01:27:04.542
I will do it for nothing,
though I understand that you're rich.
01:27:04.584 --> 01:27:06.126
That's just not true!
01:27:06.209 --> 01:27:07.876
But don't tell me.
01:27:08.584 --> 01:27:09.667
How?
01:27:10.334 --> 01:27:14.709
For a start,
let me be the father of her child.
01:27:14.751 --> 01:27:16.001
- No!
- No!
01:27:17.042 --> 01:27:19.667
I could help you, maybe even more.
01:27:19.751 --> 01:27:24.251
I noticed, Oswald, that all your
experimental subjects have been female.
01:27:24.292 --> 01:27:28.876
Do you envisage taking your photographic
experiment to completion?
01:27:29.626 --> 01:27:32.292
See, Milo is a good friend of mine.
01:27:32.376 --> 01:27:37.417
She weighs 126 pounds.
She's 5'6" in her stocking feet.
01:27:37.501 --> 01:27:40.417
That's one inch shorter
than your wife, I believe.
01:27:40.459 --> 01:27:43.876
Like your wife,
she's now 10 weeks pregnant.
01:27:44.751 --> 01:27:46.417
The child is mine.
01:27:47.334 --> 01:27:49.834
She may very well have an abortion.
01:27:51.084 --> 01:27:54.876
I can perform it.
There could be complications,
01:27:54.917 --> 01:27:57.126
and I can juggle the outcome.
01:27:59.084 --> 01:28:02.084
You see how much I am prepared
to bargain for.
01:28:03.376 --> 01:28:04.917
Stand together.
01:28:06.209 --> 01:28:10.751
You see, it could be made to work.
I could stitch you together,
01:28:11.751 --> 01:28:12.959
for a price.
01:28:24.501 --> 01:28:26.917
Evolution as you know it,
Oswald,
01:28:26.959 --> 01:28:30.459
undoubtedly, and for the moment,
ends with man.
01:28:30.542 --> 01:28:32.959
- Some say a woman.
- And an apple.
01:28:33.042 --> 01:28:35.501
How do you anticipate
completing you inquiries?
01:28:36.251 --> 01:28:39.876
How much would you pay,
do you think, for a human corpse?
01:28:40.751 --> 01:28:43.167
God, Hoyten,
I really believe you mean it.
01:28:43.251 --> 01:28:48.292
Milo is about your wife's build,
and age and wit.
01:28:48.376 --> 01:28:50.084
And she is pregnant with my child.
01:28:52.876 --> 01:28:54.917
And what's so amusing?
01:28:55.584 --> 01:28:58.751
That Venus De Milo is unusually fertile.
01:28:58.792 --> 01:29:01.751
- Or rather careless.
- For someone without arms.
01:29:02.126 --> 01:29:06.459
A little persuasion and I know that
Milo is ready to visit the zebras.
01:29:06.542 --> 01:29:10.751
Now zebras are notoriously fickle,
very possessive of their mares.
01:29:11.417 --> 01:29:13.209
Especially Grevy's zebra.
01:29:14.042 --> 01:29:17.417
You know, the one with the soft eyes
and the sharp hooves,
01:29:17.459 --> 01:29:20.251
- and the vicious kick.
- And the big prick!
01:29:20.292 --> 01:29:22.376
You deceive yourself, Hoyten.
01:29:22.417 --> 01:29:26.126
Just to thwart you alone,
I'd make sure Milo never died.
01:29:31.917 --> 01:29:35.417
Here's your £400 for one female zebra.
01:29:35.459 --> 01:29:40.417
Killed no doubt, in a corner,
but for the same 400,
01:29:40.501 --> 01:29:43.376
you must put in a tranquilliser gun.
01:29:44.001 --> 01:29:45.417
Good Lord!
01:29:45.501 --> 01:29:48.584
You're not thinking of doing
your own killing, are you?
01:29:48.667 --> 01:29:50.876
I strongly advise against it.
01:30:07.876 --> 01:30:09.334
Do you have
a flat piece of plastic?
01:30:09.417 --> 01:30:10.417
No.
01:30:10.501 --> 01:30:11.917
Do you have a sharpened pencil?
01:30:12.001 --> 01:30:13.001
- No!
- No!
01:30:13.084 --> 01:30:14.501
You are well equipped.
01:30:14.584 --> 01:30:16.501
Why are you doing this for us?
01:30:18.084 --> 01:30:22.917
Isn't it obvious?
Venus locks me into the hearts of men,
01:30:23.834 --> 01:30:25.251
and monkeys.
01:31:38.292 --> 01:31:40.768
What makes you two think you can
behave so cavalierly in this zoo?
01:31:40.792 --> 01:31:44.084
We have saved this gorilla
from further mutilation.
01:31:45.167 --> 01:31:46.667
By killing it?
01:31:47.084 --> 01:31:51.417
Thanks to you, it was ailing.
Has been for the last three years.
01:31:51.459 --> 01:31:52.499
Is that for you to decide?
01:31:52.542 --> 01:31:55.626
This zoo is run
by incompetents and mountebanks.
01:31:55.709 --> 01:31:57.917
I wonder why you've stayed here so long?
01:31:58.001 --> 01:32:00.084
You needn't stay any longer.
You're fired!
01:32:00.126 --> 01:32:01.667
On what excuse?
01:32:02.501 --> 01:32:06.917
Maltreatment of animals, for one.
Misuse of zoo property, for another.
01:32:07.001 --> 01:32:09.459
Unauthorised freeing of animals.
01:32:09.542 --> 01:32:11.959
- We haven't finished.
- Finished what?
01:32:12.042 --> 01:32:15.917
Some bogus experiment
that satisfies your obsessional grief?
01:32:16.001 --> 01:32:18.601
What valuable conclusion can be gained
from all this rotting meat?
01:32:18.667 --> 01:32:19.959
Nothing!
01:32:20.042 --> 01:32:23.917
- How can you measure decay?
- By degrees of grief, perhaps.
01:32:24.001 --> 01:32:26.792
Or by planning a zoo devoted
to black and white animals
01:32:26.876 --> 01:32:28.084
because you're colour-blind.
01:32:28.167 --> 01:32:30.626
And making sure there's no opposition
by killing off
01:32:30.709 --> 01:32:33.001
all the black and white animals
that aren't yours.
01:32:33.084 --> 01:32:36.792
Or by using a zoo for some exotic game
of barter and blackmail.
01:32:36.876 --> 01:32:41.292
Or by maiming animals so that
they can be expensively patched up!
01:32:49.584 --> 01:32:51.376
Good grief, Alba!
You kept that quiet.
01:32:51.417 --> 01:32:53.584
How did you manage one each?
01:32:53.626 --> 01:32:57.751
I thought I had failed.
After all they are not Siamese!
01:32:59.584 --> 01:33:00.834
Careful!
01:33:02.917 --> 01:33:05.251
- So where've you been?
- We were busy.
01:33:05.334 --> 01:33:09.084
- How did you do it?
- I just sat on the eggs.
01:33:09.917 --> 01:33:12.667
- What did you mean you were busy?
- What are you going to call them?
01:33:12.751 --> 01:33:15.167
- Castor and Polydeuces?
- From the rape of the swan.
01:33:15.251 --> 01:33:16.459
Too obvious.
01:33:16.542 --> 01:33:18.834
- Gamma and Delta.
- Wrong sex.
01:33:18.917 --> 01:33:21.042
Do Greek letters have a sex?
01:33:22.167 --> 01:33:24.584
What's the excuse for the bruises?
01:33:25.417 --> 01:33:27.209
It's not important.
01:33:27.251 --> 01:33:29.417
- Did you know?
- You must've known.
01:33:29.501 --> 01:33:32.417
No, I can safely say I didn't.
01:33:33.084 --> 01:33:36.751
But I should have guessed.
And what's not important?
01:33:37.667 --> 01:33:40.126
We've been fired.
Sacked, dismissed, turned out.
01:33:41.292 --> 01:33:42.751
From the zoo?
01:33:43.209 --> 01:33:45.251
What was the last straw?
01:33:45.292 --> 01:33:48.209
Did you photograph a camel
with a broken back?
01:33:48.251 --> 01:33:50.834
- How are you?
- Tired.
01:33:50.917 --> 01:33:53.667
And my feet ache, so does my back.
01:33:54.751 --> 01:33:57.251
- Sorry, we weren't here.
- So am I.
01:33:57.292 --> 01:34:00.209
- Are you pleased?
- Of course.
01:34:01.042 --> 01:34:02.751
Now give them back.
01:34:07.917 --> 01:34:09.376
What are you going to do now?
01:34:09.417 --> 01:34:10.667
Continue!
01:34:10.751 --> 01:34:13.167
Where and with what?
01:34:14.709 --> 01:34:17.126
We thought you wouldn't mind
us working at L'Escargot.
01:34:18.959 --> 01:34:21.417
- What are you doing?
- Making a zoo.
01:34:22.001 --> 01:34:24.542
- Can I look?
- Only if you pay.
01:34:24.584 --> 01:34:26.251
The old story.
01:34:26.292 --> 01:34:28.917
But with a brand new taxonomy, eh?
01:34:30.126 --> 01:34:33.084
Only an innocent
would put a spider and a fly
01:34:33.126 --> 01:34:35.542
in the same cage
because they were both brown.
01:34:35.584 --> 01:34:37.685
Well, putting them together
will probably tell an innocent
01:34:37.709 --> 01:34:40.709
more about spiders and flies,
than keeping them apart.
01:34:40.751 --> 01:34:42.167
And you mustn't cheat.
01:34:42.251 --> 01:34:43.751
- Cheat?
- Cheat?
01:34:43.792 --> 01:34:47.959
I must mark the back of your hand
with ink to make sure you've paid.
01:34:48.042 --> 01:34:49.501
Whatever for?
01:34:49.584 --> 01:34:53.959
Now you look so alike, I can't tell
the difference between you any more.
01:35:16.626 --> 01:35:18.626
We have L'Escargot ready.
01:35:20.167 --> 01:35:22.584
When will you be allowed to come?
01:35:22.834 --> 01:35:25.626
I'm well enough, but I'm not coming.
01:35:26.876 --> 01:35:29.751
- Why ever not?
- I'm ill.
01:35:30.251 --> 01:35:34.251
- Van Meegeren says my spine is damaged.
- God, why listen to him?
01:35:34.292 --> 01:35:37.417
- Haven't you had enough of him?
- I'm not coming.
01:35:38.584 --> 01:35:41.417
I want to stay here, near the hospital.
01:35:42.292 --> 01:35:43.751
Near the zoo.
01:35:44.834 --> 01:35:47.042
But I'm well enough
to tell you something,
01:35:47.084 --> 01:35:49.751
that I know you are not going to like.
01:35:50.751 --> 01:35:54.209
I don't want you to be
the legal father of my children.
01:35:57.084 --> 01:35:58.417
You what?
01:35:58.459 --> 01:36:00.209
Van Meegeren has squeezed that
out of you.
01:36:01.709 --> 01:36:03.417
We are the father!
01:36:04.084 --> 01:36:05.084
You see?
01:36:05.167 --> 01:36:07.751
Well, bad grammar
doesn't signify anything.
01:36:07.792 --> 01:36:12.084
They went in, in two's,
and they came out in two's.
01:36:13.126 --> 01:36:17.126
It stopped raining.
I found my Arc-en-Ciel.
01:36:18.251 --> 01:36:20.417
I cannot have my children
having three parents.
01:36:20.459 --> 01:36:22.751
What difference does that make?
01:36:22.834 --> 01:36:27.251
Listen, you found Felipe for me.
You and Milo.
01:36:27.334 --> 01:36:29.126
He's an ideal father.
01:36:29.626 --> 01:36:34.917
Grief has made you unreliable.
On your own admission, you are jobless.
01:36:35.001 --> 01:36:38.001
- I cannot risk your extreme behaviour.
- You risked it before.
01:36:38.084 --> 01:36:40.292
It's too much responsibility for you.
01:36:40.376 --> 01:36:42.709
And you will be prevented
from being together.
01:36:42.751 --> 01:36:45.917
- Nonsense!
- Felipe will make a better father.
01:36:46.001 --> 01:36:47.459
He's legless!
01:36:47.917 --> 01:36:51.917
- Did that stop me being a mother?
- Motherhood is involuntary!
01:36:53.292 --> 01:36:58.292
- We'll take legal action.
- Oswald, stop being petulant.
01:36:59.001 --> 01:37:00.751
What would you gain?
01:37:00.834 --> 01:37:06.751
I'm sure that unmarried male twins
don't make a good legal precedent.
01:37:06.834 --> 01:37:10.209
Beta now can't even tell
which of you is which.
01:37:10.251 --> 01:37:14.751
In the courtroom, I can't imagine
that you would win. And if you did,
01:37:14.834 --> 01:37:17.584
you would know it was against my wishes.
01:38:02.042 --> 01:38:04.959
Do you think Adam was a Siamese twin?
01:38:05.042 --> 01:38:07.001
What happened to his brother?
01:38:30.084 --> 01:38:31.626
Perhaps for some minds,
01:38:31.709 --> 01:38:35.751
the most difficult step to comprehend
in the theory of natural selection,
01:38:35.792 --> 01:38:39.959
is the enormous leap from the higher
apes to 20th century man.
01:38:45.459 --> 01:38:49.251
All that way to bring me to this.
01:38:58.001 --> 01:39:03.667
Now I want you to be here tonight,
and I mean it. No prior engagements.
01:39:03.751 --> 01:39:06.501
Bring Beta's record
and you can watch me go.
01:39:06.584 --> 01:39:08.584
Go? Where are you going?
01:39:08.626 --> 01:39:11.084
- I've had enough.
- What do you mean?
01:39:11.126 --> 01:39:14.042
My children are now spoken for,
aren't they?
01:39:15.417 --> 01:39:16.834
Aren't they?
01:39:17.959 --> 01:39:19.709
And I am exhausted.
01:39:20.917 --> 01:39:23.167
The swan succeeded in the end.
01:39:23.584 --> 01:39:25.501
I'm busy tonight,
so you can't go tonight.
01:39:25.584 --> 01:39:28.501
Oh! What are you doing
that's so important?
01:39:28.584 --> 01:39:30.209
- I'm grieving.
- Still?
01:39:30.251 --> 01:39:31.667
Always.
01:39:31.751 --> 01:39:35.501
- I'm now childless, as well as wifeless.
- You've forgotten jobless and homeless.
01:39:35.584 --> 01:39:37.459
Let's strike a bargain.
01:39:38.251 --> 01:39:41.042
Thanks for 30 seconds of your sympathy.
01:39:41.084 --> 01:39:42.751
- No bargains!
- No record!
01:39:42.834 --> 01:39:44.167
No record?
01:39:45.084 --> 01:39:48.084
I'm not going to bargain
over a gramophone record.
01:39:48.126 --> 01:39:51.292
- You can stay away.
- We'll come on one condition.
01:39:52.376 --> 01:39:54.417
Don't tell me. I know.
01:39:55.459 --> 01:39:57.251
You want my corpse.
01:39:59.751 --> 01:40:04.167
Mon dieu,
my body for a gramophone record,
01:40:04.251 --> 01:40:07.626
and a visit
from a pair of Siamese twins.
01:40:09.084 --> 01:40:11.001
Haven't you had enough of my body?
01:40:11.084 --> 01:40:13.584
- You're our last chance!
- And you were my first choice.
01:40:13.667 --> 01:40:15.376
Well, thank you both.
01:40:15.417 --> 01:40:20.084
And we need the use of the garden
of L'Escargot for nine months.
01:40:20.167 --> 01:40:22.251
- A significant period.
- Or longer.
01:40:22.292 --> 01:40:25.334
We feel we can ask this
because we've given up legal parenthood.
01:40:25.834 --> 01:40:29.584
You've learned a thing or two
from that zoo, haven't you?
01:40:29.667 --> 01:40:32.084
Even if it's only how to bargain.
01:40:32.876 --> 01:40:34.417
All right.
01:40:34.459 --> 01:40:36.959
In the interest of science...
01:40:37.042 --> 01:40:40.959
Some science, you can have it.
01:40:41.542 --> 01:40:43.251
If you can get it.
01:40:43.292 --> 01:40:46.917
But I know you won't get it
because now I have a family.
01:40:46.959 --> 01:40:48.751
And you know what families are for.
01:40:48.834 --> 01:40:50.393
With your permission in writing,
how can they stop us?
01:40:50.417 --> 01:40:55.334
Oh, easily. They could write
the words "insanity" or "insanitary".
01:40:55.417 --> 01:40:58.709
It has long been respectable to leave
your body to medical science.
01:40:58.751 --> 01:41:00.876
What's scientific
about watching a body rot?
01:41:00.917 --> 01:41:03.435
You always said you wanted to go
back to L'Escargot, so we'll take you.
01:41:03.459 --> 01:41:05.584
And you'll lie quietly in the garden.
01:41:05.626 --> 01:41:09.084
- With you watching?
- Only the camera will be watching.
01:41:10.459 --> 01:41:12.792
What's the point of watching me?
01:41:12.876 --> 01:41:14.667
My body's only half here.
01:41:15.126 --> 01:41:17.251
Then you'll fit better
into the film frame.
01:41:20.751 --> 01:41:23.126
A fine epitaph.
01:41:24.376 --> 01:41:28.626
"Here lies a body
cut down to fit the picture."
01:41:30.959 --> 01:41:32.417
to share his intelligence.
01:41:33.376 --> 01:41:35.834
And whatever the system he has used,
01:41:35.917 --> 01:41:39.584
the ability to store
and pass on his knowledge,
01:41:39.626 --> 01:41:41.334
is the key to his success.
01:41:41.959 --> 01:41:43.876
"X" is for...
01:41:43.917 --> 01:41:46.792
There aren't any animals
beginning with "X".
01:41:46.876 --> 01:41:49.334
- "Y" is for...
- Yak.
01:41:49.417 --> 01:41:51.251
It's a sort of ox.
01:41:51.292 --> 01:41:53.709
- And "Z" is for...
- Zebra.
01:42:07.542 --> 01:42:12.042
Good evening, Milo! It's a clear night.
01:42:12.917 --> 01:42:15.917
It's not like you to speculate
on the weather.
01:42:16.417 --> 01:42:20.084
Just the sort of night
you've been waiting for, perhaps.
01:42:21.084 --> 01:42:24.209
Isn't it time you decided to do
what you've been wanting to do
01:42:24.251 --> 01:42:26.584
ever since I've known you, Milo?
01:42:34.417 --> 01:42:37.334
- Have you got a flat piece of plastic?
- Yes.
01:42:38.501 --> 01:42:40.501
- A sharpened pencil?
- Yes.
01:42:42.334 --> 01:42:45.751
- You are well equipped.
- Yes, I am.
01:42:48.167 --> 01:42:49.542
Hold these.
01:44:11.751 --> 01:44:14.126
Well, here we go.
01:44:15.751 --> 01:44:19.251
- What's the time?
- 1:00.
01:44:19.334 --> 01:44:21.001
You won't be long.
01:44:22.334 --> 01:44:24.917
I didn't mother 26 children
of the alphabet.
01:44:25.001 --> 01:44:27.501
You made an encouraging last fling.
01:44:28.626 --> 01:44:30.792
I am the last at L'Escargot.
01:44:31.292 --> 01:44:35.834
From here on, it's yours,
along with my corpse.
01:44:35.917 --> 01:44:39.751
Don't worry,
the papers are signed and sealed.
01:44:39.834 --> 01:44:43.001
If you are the last
then we are already finished.
01:44:44.126 --> 01:44:48.376
A zed and two noughts, what a zoo!
01:44:51.209 --> 01:44:52.876
All right!
01:44:54.292 --> 01:44:57.251
Don't do anything with my body
I wouldn't do.
01:45:00.917 --> 01:45:03.792
Now I want to lie still and quiet.
01:45:04.876 --> 01:45:07.001
Put on Beta's record.
01:45:59.084 --> 01:46:01.251
♪ Dogs were born for howling
01:46:01.292 --> 01:46:03.334
♪ Cats are always prowling
01:46:03.417 --> 01:46:05.417
♪ Beasts are always growling
01:46:05.501 --> 01:46:07.667
♪ Nature makes them do it
01:46:07.751 --> 01:46:11.834
♪ All the jungle folk
have habits of their own
01:46:11.917 --> 01:46:16.084
♪ A worm will turn
in quite the nicest way
01:46:16.126 --> 01:46:17.376
Oh, God!
01:46:19.084 --> 01:46:20.417
She's gone!
01:46:24.792 --> 01:46:26.709
And what are the signs?
01:46:33.376 --> 01:46:34.626
No pulse.
01:46:38.084 --> 01:46:39.709
No eye movement.
01:46:43.917 --> 01:46:45.417
No breathing.
01:46:51.167 --> 01:46:52.626
No heartbeat.
01:47:01.501 --> 01:47:04.251
The skin pales and becomes stiff.
01:47:04.292 --> 01:47:05.917
Turn off that awful record!
01:47:06.001 --> 01:47:08.001
Wait until it's finished!
01:47:09.084 --> 01:47:13.542
♪ A horse, of course
Is such a noble beast
01:47:13.584 --> 01:47:17.917
♪ It never shirks, but works and works
And doesn't mind the least
01:47:18.001 --> 01:47:22.334
♪ It shocks an ox
To treat it like your pet
01:47:22.417 --> 01:47:26.876
♪ The beasts that live can all forgive
But an elephant never forgets ♪
01:47:40.459 --> 01:47:43.417
- Now what?
- We take her to L'Escargot.
01:47:44.626 --> 01:47:45.667
In a coffin?
01:47:45.751 --> 01:47:48.751
For decency's sake,
we take her in a coffin.
01:47:48.792 --> 01:47:50.917
In a long or a short coffin?
01:47:52.209 --> 01:47:55.584
I'm sure Alba would've been amused
by a short coffin.
01:47:57.209 --> 01:47:59.917
At least it leaves no room
for artificial legs.
01:48:10.084 --> 01:48:11.917
In a long or a short coffin?
01:48:12.001 --> 01:48:15.209
I don't think that'll be
for us to decide.
01:48:15.251 --> 01:48:17.417
The family have arrived.
01:48:18.876 --> 01:48:21.459
I'm sure they'll want a long coffin.
01:48:26.709 --> 01:48:30.709
Now, I see that you're upset
and you like animals.
01:48:30.751 --> 01:48:33.084
So I give you this as a present.
01:48:37.167 --> 01:48:40.959
And we'll not be taking Alba
to L'Escargot to film her decay?
01:49:57.834 --> 01:50:02.917
♪ If you go down in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise
01:50:03.001 --> 01:50:08.376
♪ If you go down in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
01:50:08.417 --> 01:50:13.501
♪ For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
01:50:13.584 --> 01:50:17.792
♪ Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic
01:50:50.042 --> 01:50:55.042
♪ Every teddy bear who's been good
is sure of a treat today
01:50:55.084 --> 01:51:00.417
♪ There's lots of marvellous things
to eat and wonderful games to play
01:51:00.459 --> 01:51:02.959
♪ Beneath the trees where nobody sees
01:51:03.042 --> 01:51:05.709
♪ They'll hide and seek
as long as they please
01:51:05.751 --> 01:51:10.876
♪ That's the way the teddy bears
have their picnic
01:51:10.917 --> 01:51:15.042
♪ Picnic time for teddy bears
01:51:15.084 --> 01:51:20.917
♪ The little teddy bears
are having a lovely time today
01:51:21.001 --> 01:51:25.209
♪ Watch them, catch them unawares
01:51:25.251 --> 01:51:30.376
♪ And see them picnic on their holiday
01:51:31.167 --> 01:51:35.376
♪ See them gaily gad about
01:51:35.417 --> 01:51:40.917
♪ They love to play and shout
They never have any cares
01:51:41.001 --> 01:51:43.584
♪ At 6:00 their mummies and daddies
01:51:43.667 --> 01:51:49.917
♪ Will take them home to bed
'Cause they're tired little teddy bears
01:52:01.334 --> 01:52:06.334
♪ If you go down in the woods today
You'd better not go alone
01:52:06.417 --> 01:52:10.376
♪ It's lovely down in the woods today
But safer to stay at home
01:52:10.417 --> 01:52:14.792
God! This floor is hard.
01:52:16.667 --> 01:52:21.251
♪ Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic ♪